I have been wrestling with grief for a year and a half now. It’s exhausting. 😅
I really liked who I was before my son died. I didn’t feel like I wanted to change or evolve in any big way. My husband and I liked to say that we were “fully cooked.” WHAT A JOKE CAUSE WE ARE STILL COOKING. But right now it feels like we are cookies that someone forgot in the oven. Ugh.
I so relate to feeling like there had already been enough growth and hardship for one lifetime. I have no grand advice, especially with how exhausting it is, but I guess all we can hope for is that over time someone remembers to open the oven <3 A
“Because I have already lived through my worst fear coming true.” This. Just this right here. As a kid and beyond, my worst fear was losing my Mom. The anxiety I had around it was boundless. Having essentially been abandoned by my Dad when I was a kid, I couldn’t fathom losing my mom too. But in August I did. And I survived it. Thank you for sharing your grief.
Grief is hard. It goes on being hard, no matter how many years have passed. My Dad died suddenly 35 years ago (heart attack.) That was hard on many levels to grapple with. My Mum died just under 12 years ago (brain tumour); a long and stressful death over the course of three months. That grief was also hard even though we knew she was never going to get better. I was then an 'orphan' but that fact was not where the grief was based.
It's funny how your brain wants to be like, "but only if I had lost them in this way instead" when in reality every version of it is hard in it's own way. Sending you all the love and may their memories be a blessing <3 A
Oh man, Allison, this is so good. I found you on TikTok last year and followed you because I also have OCD but getting to know you and your wonderful mind through your writing is so lovely. So well-said and insightful. <3
Thanks for this @Allison Raskin, it was a great read. I’ve been writing about grief on Substack since my dad’s passing, and I agree that it feels good to try to live for him and to find the joy in life as I know he’d want me to. Sending strength!
Lost my friend and it changed me. It’s been years. Thank you xo. Everyday is a battle. But I have such a fucking emptiness feeling inside. But I also feel so much joy and love..
I still wonder how I’ll deal with the death of my mother. As she’s not the easiest person and we don’t have a great relationship. I wonder what it will teach me (my fear is that it won’t teach me anything and I’ll just feel relief… plus the guilt of the relief of course)
It's one of those things that's impossible to predict because you won't even know who you will be when it happens. I feel so grateful I was in a stable place when I lost mine.
I'm really impressed with you for this one. From what I can see, you're really growing in amazing ways. Wishing you all the best as you continue this journey.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece and your hard-won wisdom. You mentioned returning to LA. I pray that you and yours are okay and safe right now.
I have been wrestling with grief for a year and a half now. It’s exhausting. 😅
I really liked who I was before my son died. I didn’t feel like I wanted to change or evolve in any big way. My husband and I liked to say that we were “fully cooked.” WHAT A JOKE CAUSE WE ARE STILL COOKING. But right now it feels like we are cookies that someone forgot in the oven. Ugh.
I so relate to feeling like there had already been enough growth and hardship for one lifetime. I have no grand advice, especially with how exhausting it is, but I guess all we can hope for is that over time someone remembers to open the oven <3 A
“Because I have already lived through my worst fear coming true.” This. Just this right here. As a kid and beyond, my worst fear was losing my Mom. The anxiety I had around it was boundless. Having essentially been abandoned by my Dad when I was a kid, I couldn’t fathom losing my mom too. But in August I did. And I survived it. Thank you for sharing your grief.
Sending you so much love. Our moms helped prepare us even if neither of us realized it. <3 A
I’m right at the start of grief having just lost my dad 8 days after his first doctors visit. This is so helpful to me. Thank you so much for sharing
Sending you so much love. May his memory be a blessing <3 A
your mom raised you so beautifully, allison. it is an honour to read your work and learn about your mom through you. sending you all my love 🤍
Thank you so much <3 A
Grief is hard. It goes on being hard, no matter how many years have passed. My Dad died suddenly 35 years ago (heart attack.) That was hard on many levels to grapple with. My Mum died just under 12 years ago (brain tumour); a long and stressful death over the course of three months. That grief was also hard even though we knew she was never going to get better. I was then an 'orphan' but that fact was not where the grief was based.
It's funny how your brain wants to be like, "but only if I had lost them in this way instead" when in reality every version of it is hard in it's own way. Sending you all the love and may their memories be a blessing <3 A
Oh man, Allison, this is so good. I found you on TikTok last year and followed you because I also have OCD but getting to know you and your wonderful mind through your writing is so lovely. So well-said and insightful. <3
This is so kind, thank you so much for reading and supporting <3 A
Thanks for this @Allison Raskin, it was a great read. I’ve been writing about grief on Substack since my dad’s passing, and I agree that it feels good to try to live for him and to find the joy in life as I know he’d want me to. Sending strength!
They definitely want us to keep living! Even when it feels annoying to keep going. Sending love <3 A
dear allison,
beautiful piece.
i love this: "THE GREATEST WAY I CAN HONOR MY MOM IS TO BE HAPPY"
and this: "JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS GONE DOESN’T MEAN THEY WON’T CONTINUE TO SHAPE YOU"
and this: "DEATH WON’T ENLIGHTEN YOU"
and this: "I CAN HANDLE MORE THAN I THINK I CAN AND SO CAN OTHER PEOPLE"
and the whole thing really, not just the section headings!
thank you for sharing!
love
myq
Thank you, Myq!!
I lost my dad a little over a year ago and I resonated so much with all of this. Thank you for sharing your grief, wisdom and heart with us ♥️
Thank you so much for reading and may his memory be a blessing <3 A
This was so beautiful and enlightening ❤️
I'm so glad it resonated <3 A
I just wrote about grief today and how it has shaped me in the rubble.
18 months since my dad died, and even though I was his death doula, I was his daughter first. But I am happy was there with him.
I feel so lucky I was able to be there with my mom. What a gift you gave him <3 A
Lost my friend and it changed me. It’s been years. Thank you xo. Everyday is a battle. But I have such a fucking emptiness feeling inside. But I also feel so much joy and love..
The moment to moment changes are wild. Sending you all the love <3 A
The ones that we love would want us to be happy in our lives, even though they are gone. They wouldn't want us to be sad forever.
Agreed <3 A
I still wonder how I’ll deal with the death of my mother. As she’s not the easiest person and we don’t have a great relationship. I wonder what it will teach me (my fear is that it won’t teach me anything and I’ll just feel relief… plus the guilt of the relief of course)
It's one of those things that's impossible to predict because you won't even know who you will be when it happens. I feel so grateful I was in a stable place when I lost mine.
I'm really impressed with you for this one. From what I can see, you're really growing in amazing ways. Wishing you all the best as you continue this journey.
Thank you so much, Kate. Doing my best while also taking it day by day. <3 A
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece and your hard-won wisdom. You mentioned returning to LA. I pray that you and yours are okay and safe right now.
thank you so much for reading! We are staying safe in NY for now and feel very lucky <3