I think it’s so much easier for the unhealthy thoughts to reappear once we are in a more vulnerable position, when things are rough, hormones are weird, support mechanisms are shakey. I have had that thought a lot recently as well though.
Sociopathy thing is also very typical OCD, isn’t it? Happens to me too.
Very relatable! For me, constantly questioning my emotional reactions and whether they are “enough” is definitely tied to my OCD. When I put down my cat last year, I held her as she left us and just kept saying “Am I a sociopath? AM I A SOCIOPATH????” because i was not crying (and I cry all the time). An awkward moment for the vet lol. But grief and sobbing hit in different ways at different times, and feeling like I had to cry in order to be a good person in that moment prevented having a genuine reaction/experiencing those last moments fully. C’est la vie!
I relate to the “not a sociopath” lesson so much! I am not a crier at the “typical” moments. I didn’t cry at my wedding, I dont cry at funerals. I feel very deeply, but I worry that people don’t know that because I’m not showing it in the “right” way. What a bonkers thing to expect of myself!
Like the person below, I came to this comment section to say the sociopathy worry is a known OCD theme. Similar to obsessive worries about being a bad person. Probably a type of, or adjacent to, "moral scrupulosity."
This was such a great reminder to not expect life and personal growth to be linear😌 I relate so much to some of the things you write about and lately especially the whole, “am I not empathetic enough” as I work in healthcare and I very, very rarely have a hard time letting go of thinking about my patients as I go home. Most of the time I think that’s great and very good for me but sometimes I think to myself that maybe I should think about them more and feel more emotionally involved because while it’s everyday life for me, for them it’s many times very life-changing moments and shouldn’t that affect me more? But if I really think about it, I do actually care and feel involved in their life story, their health and their feelings when I’m there and when it actually matters that I do. It doesn’t matter to them if I spend my evenings worrying about everyone I meet in a day as long as I care and am present when I’m there with them and I don’t think that makes me less empathetic than a colleague that struggles to leave work at work, I think it’s more indicative of me being able to separate private life and work life to a higher degree rather than a lack of empathy. Or if it means I’m not on the far end of the empathy scale and “the most empathetic” I’m okay with that because I believe I’m equally invested and empathetic to my patients when I’m at work as my coworkers are and to me that’s what matters☺️
I really appreciate you sharing this perspective and experience! I especially love "It doesn’t matter to them if I spend my evenings worrying about everyone I meet in a day as long as I care and am present when I’m there with them." <3 A
Omg, I relate so much to this. I've been in therapy for years, and the number of things that come back around every once in a while.. 😅 A measure of progress I've noticed though, is that sometimes it becomes quicker and quicker to re-learn the lesson, if that makes sense. It's not always the case and doesn't have to be, but sometimes it makes life easier, that some areas of struggle will probably never disappear but I get lost in them for shorter periods of time and/or less intensely
Honestly, it’s refreshing to hear someone admit that personal growth isn’t one big breakthrough, it’s the same lesson on repeat. “They can’t all be hits” might as well be tattooed on every creative’s forehead. And no, being emotionally numb doesn’t make you a sociopath, it makes you human, especially after loss. Thanks for saying the quiet stuff out loud.
If a lesson keeps coming back, to me it's a sign that it was not fully understood. This can be very frustrating, but it's only a sign that I need to work harder to absorb the lesson fully.
The only method I find effective is introspection and self-awareness. Maybe my approach is too rigid, perfectionistic, and intellectualized.
**Sociopath**
A sociopath is a person who lacks empathy and often engages in manipulative or harmful behavior. However, I do not believe I fall under that category. It's the same as saying maybe I'm a chicken alien.
Why is this still something that bothers me? Because I have a tendency toward being antisocial and self-absorbed. It's not necessarily a bad thing.
Also, before I had a family of my own, I was pretty much reliant on my parents for everything, not thinking too much about my contribution to the collective.
Also, some people are like, "Hey, let's hang out! I bought you a gift for your birthday! You look beautiful today! Have you been using a new eyelash product? That's amazing!"
And then there are people who say, "Why are you so happy? Are you okay? Leave me alone and mind your own business; I don't want your stupid gifts."
**Body Image**
Some people don't like their bodies, but they like themselves or at least appreciate themselves.
Dear Allison,
Great piece!
This is very funny: "I am now different than I was before I had that conversation and kitchen fire."
And this is very true and I'm glad you know it: "MY FRIENDS ACTUALLY LIKE ME"
I like you! Thank you for sharing!
Love
Myq
I was very proud of that sentence hahah
I think it’s so much easier for the unhealthy thoughts to reappear once we are in a more vulnerable position, when things are rough, hormones are weird, support mechanisms are shakey. I have had that thought a lot recently as well though.
Sociopathy thing is also very typical OCD, isn’t it? Happens to me too.
Great essay!
It's so true that certain things can really cause a resurgence! Took me a long time to understand that!
"They Can't All Be Hits" is one I really needed to hear at this moment and "My Friends Like Me" is a constant struggle to relearn!!
It really is!!
Very relatable! For me, constantly questioning my emotional reactions and whether they are “enough” is definitely tied to my OCD. When I put down my cat last year, I held her as she left us and just kept saying “Am I a sociopath? AM I A SOCIOPATH????” because i was not crying (and I cry all the time). An awkward moment for the vet lol. But grief and sobbing hit in different ways at different times, and feeling like I had to cry in order to be a good person in that moment prevented having a genuine reaction/experiencing those last moments fully. C’est la vie!
I relate to this SO much. xoxo A
I relate to the “not a sociopath” lesson so much! I am not a crier at the “typical” moments. I didn’t cry at my wedding, I dont cry at funerals. I feel very deeply, but I worry that people don’t know that because I’m not showing it in the “right” way. What a bonkers thing to expect of myself!
It's such a weird thing to judge about ourselves but it's hard not to!
This is such an interesting prompt for self-reflection!
I'm so glad!
Like the person below, I came to this comment section to say the sociopathy worry is a known OCD theme. Similar to obsessive worries about being a bad person. Probably a type of, or adjacent to, "moral scrupulosity."
Yeppp! Definitely helps to identify it that way!
This was such a great reminder to not expect life and personal growth to be linear😌 I relate so much to some of the things you write about and lately especially the whole, “am I not empathetic enough” as I work in healthcare and I very, very rarely have a hard time letting go of thinking about my patients as I go home. Most of the time I think that’s great and very good for me but sometimes I think to myself that maybe I should think about them more and feel more emotionally involved because while it’s everyday life for me, for them it’s many times very life-changing moments and shouldn’t that affect me more? But if I really think about it, I do actually care and feel involved in their life story, their health and their feelings when I’m there and when it actually matters that I do. It doesn’t matter to them if I spend my evenings worrying about everyone I meet in a day as long as I care and am present when I’m there with them and I don’t think that makes me less empathetic than a colleague that struggles to leave work at work, I think it’s more indicative of me being able to separate private life and work life to a higher degree rather than a lack of empathy. Or if it means I’m not on the far end of the empathy scale and “the most empathetic” I’m okay with that because I believe I’m equally invested and empathetic to my patients when I’m at work as my coworkers are and to me that’s what matters☺️
I really appreciate you sharing this perspective and experience! I especially love "It doesn’t matter to them if I spend my evenings worrying about everyone I meet in a day as long as I care and am present when I’m there with them." <3 A
Omg, I relate so much to this. I've been in therapy for years, and the number of things that come back around every once in a while.. 😅 A measure of progress I've noticed though, is that sometimes it becomes quicker and quicker to re-learn the lesson, if that makes sense. It's not always the case and doesn't have to be, but sometimes it makes life easier, that some areas of struggle will probably never disappear but I get lost in them for shorter periods of time and/or less intensely
Yes! I've learned to measure growth in the speed of recovery or relearning!
Yeah... especially the dancing😔
Honestly, it’s refreshing to hear someone admit that personal growth isn’t one big breakthrough, it’s the same lesson on repeat. “They can’t all be hits” might as well be tattooed on every creative’s forehead. And no, being emotionally numb doesn’t make you a sociopath, it makes you human, especially after loss. Thanks for saying the quiet stuff out loud.
Your piece looks very peaceful. :)
This is my interpretation:
If a lesson keeps coming back, to me it's a sign that it was not fully understood. This can be very frustrating, but it's only a sign that I need to work harder to absorb the lesson fully.
The only method I find effective is introspection and self-awareness. Maybe my approach is too rigid, perfectionistic, and intellectualized.
**Sociopath**
A sociopath is a person who lacks empathy and often engages in manipulative or harmful behavior. However, I do not believe I fall under that category. It's the same as saying maybe I'm a chicken alien.
Why is this still something that bothers me? Because I have a tendency toward being antisocial and self-absorbed. It's not necessarily a bad thing.
Also, before I had a family of my own, I was pretty much reliant on my parents for everything, not thinking too much about my contribution to the collective.
Also, some people are like, "Hey, let's hang out! I bought you a gift for your birthday! You look beautiful today! Have you been using a new eyelash product? That's amazing!"
And then there are people who say, "Why are you so happy? Are you okay? Leave me alone and mind your own business; I don't want your stupid gifts."
**Body Image**
Some people don't like their bodies, but they like themselves or at least appreciate themselves.
No reply for me.
That's o.k I understand.
Goodbye and Good luck!