LIVING (IN)AUTHENTICALLY

Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a podcast recording or a business meeting or even a conversation with friends and I’ll notice that I’m fake laughing. I don’t actually find what was said to be funny, but I know that the best response is to pretend that I do. The same occurs with my facial expressions. I’ll feel my face getting tired from forcing myself to smile but I keep it up along with a steady stream of nodding at all the right moments. It’s almost comical the way the energy evaporates from my body the moment a Zoom call ends. Does all of this mean I am a complete fraud who is tricking people into thinking I am someone who doesn’t exist? Maybe! But I prefer to think of my social performance in a different way.

We live in a time that is finally starting to value the authentic over the aspirational. I’ve always taken a lot of pride in the fact that my social media has never had any filters and I refuse to pretend to have it all figured out. My professional and social media brands are very close to who I really am. But that doesn’t mean I am living authentically moment to moment. I don’t interrupt people I find to be boring by shouting, “I’m bored!” I don’t start meetings I know won’t go anywhere by saying, “I’d rather be in bed.” And if a waiter asks me if everything was okay after a meal that was disgusting, I’ll smile and say, “Yes! Thank you so much!” I lie many times about many different things. Yet, I don’t think of myself as a liar. I think of myself as someone who lives in relation to other people. And often the quality of that relationship matters more to me than living my truth.

In many ways, my ability to view life this way is an achievement because I have long lived in fear of misrepresenting myself. One of the things that has helped smooth this transition is realizing that not everything in life is of equal value. It is not a betrayal to myself to laugh at an inoffensive joke that I either don’t get or don’t particularly like. But it would be a betrayal to nod along to a racist or homophobic rant in order to keep the peace. I can make annoying small talk with a stranger if I don’t feel unsafe or threatened, but the moment that changes politeness is no longer my priority and I am quite willing to be rude or shut the conversation down. Life is a spectrum and I have a personal threshold for the level of inauthenticity I am comfortable with in any given context.

One of the things that has made it easier for me to not feel like a fraud after forcing myself to smile for an hour is to remember that I am someone who really values putting other people at ease. I care deeply about the energy I put out in the world. A daily goal of mine is to not make people feel worse after an interaction with me. This begs the question, is it really that inauthentic for me to fake smile if my authentic goal is for someone to feel heard and appreciated? Sure, smiling takes energy and I often run out of my social battery before I get to recharge in isolation, but I am actively choosing to push through anyway. While that labor and effort is what makes the moment feel disingenuous to me, I shouldn’t ignore that not everyone would bother to fake it. And my reason for faking it, which is a desire to be kind and polite, is different than if my singular goal was to be liked or admired by everyone.

This touches on the various layers of inauthenticity. I believe there is a difference between presenting an inauthentic version of yourself, which is problematic and often causes emotional turmoil, versus allowing for inauthentic moments. For me, inauthentic moments are when you pretend to be having a better time than you really are or present yourself as caring about something more than you really do for the sake of someone else’s feelings. My life can have a fair number of inauthentic moments without me feeling like I am living a lie. That said, I would never want a day filled with faking it, which is why it is so important for me to have a home base where I don’t need to be on all the time. My body and mind instantly relax after a tiring social event once it is just me and my partner again. I have the energy for inauthenticity only by prioritizing and allowing time for myself. Like most things, I am constantly in need of a balance between moments that feel genuine and moments that serve a purpose beyond my internal experience.

I recognize that not everyone will agree with my take on all this. For some, allowing for--and quite frankly nurturing--any moments of inauthenticity won’t align with their values. My goal, though, is to equally prioritize being an individual and a part of society. So, until people learn to make only really funny jokes that align with my specific brand of humor, I suspect there will be plenty of fake laughter in my future. But as long as that fake laughter doesn’t surpass moments of real laughter, that is perfectly fine with me.

xoxo,

Allison