(NOT) PART OF THE GROUP
This past weekend I went to one of my (very few) college friend’s weddings. I sat at a table with two people who were in my screenwriting program and one of the other guests asked us to reminisce about that time in our lives. One of the guys in my program started to talk about how it was so small that we were all in each other’s business. I found myself interrupting because I didn’t remember it that way at all. I barely knew most of the people in my program beyond surface level. It was then that I realized I had failed yet again to be an active part of a group.
I had a similar experience a few weeks ago while filming a video about my time at Buzzfeed with Gaby and one of our former coworkers, Ella. Ella was talking about spending all this time outside of work with each other and being so close knit. I felt myself get uncomfortable. Sure, I went out a couple of times with my coworkers but not that frequently. I was friendly with everyone, but I was never in the inner circle. The truth is that whenever I have been part of group or community, I find myself leaving or getting kicked out. (Okay, I got kicked out only that one time, but it still stings! College improv teams are brutal.)
Clearly this is a theme in my life, and I’m not quite sure what to do with it. On the one hand, I’m old enough that I no longer need to be a successful part of a group. I work from home and I have a good number of friends that I see one-on-one or with my partner. The pressure to get invited to a party or activity every weekend in order to have something to do is thankfully in the rearview mirror of my life. I have meaningful relationships even if I don’t necessarily have a community. But I’m not sure if that is enough.
Over the past few years, I have started to befriend myself. I enjoy my own company and I’ve managed to smooth over many parts of my personality that either caused me interpersonal issues or inner turmoil. And yet, I can’t seem to stop beating myself up for not having an established friend group. I worry that I am missing out on a crucial and fulfilling part of human existence and I have nothing to blame but my own poor social skills. I see my close friends go on group trips with other people and wonder why I am never invited. Did I do this to myself? Am I missing a fundamental “group” gene? Why can I seem to hold onto individuals but not communities?
It's at this portion of the spiral that I recognize I have to talk myself down from the ledge. When I enter this dark headspace, I’m missing the part where I am able to hold onto individuals. There were only three people from our screenwriting program invited to that wedding and I was one of them. Sure, maybe I’ve managed to maintain my friendship with the groom through one-on-one lunches in lieu of group hangs, but I still did it. I also have a bunch of friends I want to invite to my upcoming wedding even if they don’t know each other that well.
It can be easy to fall into the trap of focusing on what we don’t have instead of what we do. I clearly have a lot of trauma and insecurity when it comes to friendships, so I am more prone to focus on the negative in this area than any other aspect of my life. But when did I decide that groups of friends are more valuable than individual friendships? Why do I seem to believe that something must be “wrong” with me if I’m not in the inner circle or on a bunch of group texts? I have unintentionally given different types of relationships more value than others when there was absolutely no reason to rank them in the first place.
I’m sure we all have parts of our lives that we are worried we are doing “incorrectly.” And for me, that remains my social life. But I am tired of beating myself up over it. The truth might be that I am simply better built as a one-on-one friend. Or maybe I will one day find myself in a group that actually feels like the right fit for me. But either way, I need to stop looking for clues that fit my false narrative that I am not as good at friendship as other people. It’s masochistic and pointless. And, I hope, at least some of those people I see every few weeks for a one-on-one meal would disagree. Even if we never go on a group trip together.
xoxo,
Allison
This is extremely relatable to me! And one of the things I have come to realise is that friendship groups are way more complicated than individual friendships. That to have an in group there needs to be an out group. It is not just about all the individual relationships but also about how you relate to the larger group. There's often a likelihood you will be spending time with some one you don't really vibe with (at best) or is somehow harmful to you (at worst). If you have a conflict with one member of a group you run the risk of losing the entire group. I say all this as someone who has been in and out of group friendships, desperate to find one (watching Friends formed my ideas of what friendships should be like. But they are actually mean to each other a lot of the time!) but ultimately realising it is very hard for a group to have a consistently healthy dynamic. My therapist agrees with that last point! So I focus my energy on nurturing those individual friendships, and occasionally there are opportunities to hang out with groups of people which can be fun, but consistent friendship groups is not something I seek out anymore!
I have one group of friends as a young adult, and it's honestly a bizarre experience! It's equal parts lovely and bizarre--sometimes you're hanging out with adjacent acquaintances who you might not like all that much, sometimes (often?) there's drama within the group, etc. And lately, I've been finding that a lot of people with large friend groups yearn for a more "best friend" type of relationship. I've had long periods of both being in a group and having disparate one-on-one relationships, and they are just different, not better or worse. There will undoubtedly be things you miss out on by "choosing" one or the other, but that's life! And you'll probably experience the group dynamic at some point in your life anyways. :)
Anyways, love your insights and the kindness you afford yourself. We could all do w/ some more of that!