This past weekend I went to one of my (very few) college friend’s weddings. I sat at a table with two people who were in my screenwriting program and one of the other guests asked us to reminisce about that time in our lives. One of the guys in my program started to talk about how it was so small that we were all in each other’s business. I found myself interrupting because I didn’t remember it that way at all. I barely knew most of the people in my program beyond surface level. It was then that I realized I had failed yet again to be an active part of a group.
This is extremely relatable to me! And one of the things I have come to realise is that friendship groups are way more complicated than individual friendships. That to have an in group there needs to be an out group. It is not just about all the individual relationships but also about how you relate to the larger group. There's often a likelihood you will be spending time with some one you don't really vibe with (at best) or is somehow harmful to you (at worst). If you have a conflict with one member of a group you run the risk of losing the entire group. I say all this as someone who has been in and out of group friendships, desperate to find one (watching Friends formed my ideas of what friendships should be like. But they are actually mean to each other a lot of the time!) but ultimately realising it is very hard for a group to have a consistently healthy dynamic. My therapist agrees with that last point! So I focus my energy on nurturing those individual friendships, and occasionally there are opportunities to hang out with groups of people which can be fun, but consistent friendship groups is not something I seek out anymore!
Thank you so much for sharing this! I definitely haven't ever thought too much about the downsides of group dynamics and I find this really helpful in reframing what I want my friendships to look like! xoxo A
I have one group of friends as a young adult, and it's honestly a bizarre experience! It's equal parts lovely and bizarre--sometimes you're hanging out with adjacent acquaintances who you might not like all that much, sometimes (often?) there's drama within the group, etc. And lately, I've been finding that a lot of people with large friend groups yearn for a more "best friend" type of relationship. I've had long periods of both being in a group and having disparate one-on-one relationships, and they are just different, not better or worse. There will undoubtedly be things you miss out on by "choosing" one or the other, but that's life! And you'll probably experience the group dynamic at some point in your life anyways. :)
Anyways, love your insights and the kindness you afford yourself. We could all do w/ some more of that!
my childhood/teenage trend was to have one Best Friend and i was always having emotional turmoil or drama over them having other friends or us growing apart - how dare they like anyone but me!!
as an adult i still struggle w friend jealousy sometimes, but where i've ended up is having several close friends, most of whom don't know each other and many who don't live in my state. and i find it in general pretty lovely to have several different people / small groups to turn to for different convos and experiences!
it was always so easy for me to create an inner narrative of - i'm the one who's left out, why don't they like me, etc. i've gotten better at making sure i reach out and maintain my friendships but dang it's hard sometimes!
It's so hard! I've also had to really work through friendship jealousy which I feel like isn't talked abut enough! Proud of both of us for doing the work to maintain the relationships even when it's hard! xoxo A
Nov 3, 2022·edited Nov 3, 2022Liked by Allison Raskin
This resonates so much with me, as do all the comments (thank you all for sharing!). I am happy with my individual friendships and am close with those people. I always felt like something was "wrong" with me for feeling very out-of-place in group settings (even if small groups) and feeling as if there is an aura of superficiality or some kind of artificial front being put on. Maybe it is my introverted tendency, maybe it is just that I find deep relationships much more meaningful -- and deep relationships often are born from one-on-one time.
I relate to this so much! Thank you for sharing, Allison, this is really impactful. I'm in my early 20s and have spent so much time worrying about why I don't have an established group (or even a large number of 1:1 friendships, since I have a small group of close friends in my life). I've spent so much time learning to enjoy spending time with myself that I haven't nurtured friendship as much as I would like to. As I am starting to prioritize this part of my life more, I'm sure I will return to this post often as the inevitable thoughts that I'm "not doing friendship right" creep into my brain.
Nov 1, 2022·edited Nov 1, 2022Liked by Allison Raskin
Wow, I really identified with the nurturing individual friendships bit, although for me that's mostly been intentional. I think I've had a bit of a distrust in the past of friendship groups where on the surface everyone is hanging out but underneath it seems like it's just for convenience.
To be honest my only regrets (now in my 30's) is not holding onto individual relationships, which for me is because of my absent-mindedness and generally being a bit slow. I've learned how to be a bit better about it though, by realizing that most people are trying/failing as well - and by being absolutely shameless about being the first to message or messaging months later to catch up.
ooof the shameless part hit me! Definitely learning how to push past the discomfort and fear that I care more than they do! Thank you for sharing! xox A
WOW I relate to this! It always felt like a personal failure that I don't have a tight knit group of friends (even though every time I have, the group has imploded).
Thank you for sharing Allison ❤️ I can relate to insecurity in friendships due to repeated losses/abandonments but I agree with you - in my experience, my one-on-one friendships are more valuable than any “friend groups” I have been apart of. When they come together naturally they can be really lovely, but authentic groups are rare and hard to come by! I also prefer to nurture my established bonds than to force inauthentic group dynamics :)
This is extremely relatable to me! And one of the things I have come to realise is that friendship groups are way more complicated than individual friendships. That to have an in group there needs to be an out group. It is not just about all the individual relationships but also about how you relate to the larger group. There's often a likelihood you will be spending time with some one you don't really vibe with (at best) or is somehow harmful to you (at worst). If you have a conflict with one member of a group you run the risk of losing the entire group. I say all this as someone who has been in and out of group friendships, desperate to find one (watching Friends formed my ideas of what friendships should be like. But they are actually mean to each other a lot of the time!) but ultimately realising it is very hard for a group to have a consistently healthy dynamic. My therapist agrees with that last point! So I focus my energy on nurturing those individual friendships, and occasionally there are opportunities to hang out with groups of people which can be fun, but consistent friendship groups is not something I seek out anymore!
Thank you so much for sharing this! I definitely haven't ever thought too much about the downsides of group dynamics and I find this really helpful in reframing what I want my friendships to look like! xoxo A
I have one group of friends as a young adult, and it's honestly a bizarre experience! It's equal parts lovely and bizarre--sometimes you're hanging out with adjacent acquaintances who you might not like all that much, sometimes (often?) there's drama within the group, etc. And lately, I've been finding that a lot of people with large friend groups yearn for a more "best friend" type of relationship. I've had long periods of both being in a group and having disparate one-on-one relationships, and they are just different, not better or worse. There will undoubtedly be things you miss out on by "choosing" one or the other, but that's life! And you'll probably experience the group dynamic at some point in your life anyways. :)
Anyways, love your insights and the kindness you afford yourself. We could all do w/ some more of that!
Thanks so much for this perspective and for reading!! I really appreciate it! xoxox A
my childhood/teenage trend was to have one Best Friend and i was always having emotional turmoil or drama over them having other friends or us growing apart - how dare they like anyone but me!!
as an adult i still struggle w friend jealousy sometimes, but where i've ended up is having several close friends, most of whom don't know each other and many who don't live in my state. and i find it in general pretty lovely to have several different people / small groups to turn to for different convos and experiences!
it was always so easy for me to create an inner narrative of - i'm the one who's left out, why don't they like me, etc. i've gotten better at making sure i reach out and maintain my friendships but dang it's hard sometimes!
It's so hard! I've also had to really work through friendship jealousy which I feel like isn't talked abut enough! Proud of both of us for doing the work to maintain the relationships even when it's hard! xoxo A
This resonates so much with me, as do all the comments (thank you all for sharing!). I am happy with my individual friendships and am close with those people. I always felt like something was "wrong" with me for feeling very out-of-place in group settings (even if small groups) and feeling as if there is an aura of superficiality or some kind of artificial front being put on. Maybe it is my introverted tendency, maybe it is just that I find deep relationships much more meaningful -- and deep relationships often are born from one-on-one time.
I definitely prefer deeper relationships as well! Thank you for sharing your experience! xo A
I relate to this so much! Thank you for sharing, Allison, this is really impactful. I'm in my early 20s and have spent so much time worrying about why I don't have an established group (or even a large number of 1:1 friendships, since I have a small group of close friends in my life). I've spent so much time learning to enjoy spending time with myself that I haven't nurtured friendship as much as I would like to. As I am starting to prioritize this part of my life more, I'm sure I will return to this post often as the inevitable thoughts that I'm "not doing friendship right" creep into my brain.
I'm so glad it was helpful! Trying to remind myself life is full of different stages and what's true today might change tomorrow!v xox A
Wow, I really identified with the nurturing individual friendships bit, although for me that's mostly been intentional. I think I've had a bit of a distrust in the past of friendship groups where on the surface everyone is hanging out but underneath it seems like it's just for convenience.
To be honest my only regrets (now in my 30's) is not holding onto individual relationships, which for me is because of my absent-mindedness and generally being a bit slow. I've learned how to be a bit better about it though, by realizing that most people are trying/failing as well - and by being absolutely shameless about being the first to message or messaging months later to catch up.
thanks for writing/sharing :)
ooof the shameless part hit me! Definitely learning how to push past the discomfort and fear that I care more than they do! Thank you for sharing! xox A
WOW I relate to this! It always felt like a personal failure that I don't have a tight knit group of friends (even though every time I have, the group has imploded).
I can't wait for our one on one hang!
What a fun hang it was!!! xoxox A
Thank you for sharing Allison ❤️ I can relate to insecurity in friendships due to repeated losses/abandonments but I agree with you - in my experience, my one-on-one friendships are more valuable than any “friend groups” I have been apart of. When they come together naturally they can be really lovely, but authentic groups are rare and hard to come by! I also prefer to nurture my established bonds than to force inauthentic group dynamics :)
Agreed!! Thank you for this reframe! xoxo A