TW: Anti-Fat Bias, Weight Loss/Gain, Self-harm In a few week I am going to try on wedding dresses for the first time. My sister is flying out from New York to Los Angeles to come with me, along with my parents and one of my bridesmaids. While other people have spent years fantasizing about their wedding day, I have spent my time daydreaming about dress shopping. I used to live right near a big bridal boutique and every time I walked past I would peer in to see if anyone was having an appointment so I could see the dress and everyone’s excitement. While there are plenty of valid reasons to debate wedding rituals, something about this part has always pulled on my heartstrings. No matter how silly it might be, I want to try on a bunch of fancy dresses in front of my loved ones as we all freak out (in a good way). And at 33 and engaged for the second time, I feel like I have waited long enough for what has always felt to me to be a major life moment.
Thanks for this, people aren't nearly honest enough about it. Even in extremely progressive circles, the pressure is there (including from people who would never outside of the context of a wedding)--plus it's matched by a pressure not to admit that we care bc that makes us bad feminists/bad progressives/bad whatever!! It gets very complicated. I wish you'd write an essay on this for a woman's mag.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts; I know so many women can relate. You deserve that dress shopping experience and that beautiful “yes to the dress” moment! You are absolutely right to plan to choose a dress that you love on your body as it is now. Don’t engage with the “wedding ready” culture of trying to shrink into a dress by a deadline; that will only make the the countdown to the wedding more stressful, like you’re marching to judgement day, when you should be looking forward to it! Keep in mind that the samples might not fit perfectly because they’re samples, but when the dress is tailored to your measurements it will be the best-fitting garment you own. Most of us are so used to ready-to-wear clothing that custom tailoring is a revelation!
I’ve followed you for over a decade, and I’m SO happy for you. Try not to let anything get in the way of your joy. ❣️
Yes! I was at my biggest when I went dress shopping and found a dress I looked amazing in without needing to lose weight. It's such a weight (boom boom) off my mind that I don't *have* to lose weight to look good on the day. I've lost a bit because the pressure is off. You're in a great place to know how to handle this for yourself. Enjoy the experience!!
I appreciate your honesty here. I often hate the internal debate I have with myself, too, and especially relate to this passage: "Because I don’t think I have enough time to completely unpack all the negative conditioning I grew up with about female bodies and what it means to be a beautiful bride in less than 12 months."
That's a huge part of this debate for me; sometimes, I know I will just feel better if I cut some crap out of my food rotation and move my body more, because I'll look/feel less puffy and bloated, but I also wish I didn't care or feel like I have to care about looking puffy and bloated. I wish it weren't the case, but it feels easier, sometimes, to just work out and drop a few pounds when I'm having a bad body image moment than it does to try to unlearn and overhaul the entire legacy of body shame I've been taught for 33 years.
I don't always think this is "bad." Given my history with binge eating disorder, there are times when I am in a disordered mindset and I am abusing myself with food, so my body is bigger for that reason; and in turn, there are times when I'm feeling incredibly peaceful and harmonious in my body and so it is smaller/more muscular because weight lifting is therapeutic for me. It's a deeply personal, complicated, fine-line-walking situation for all of us. Thanks for your words about it!
I relate to this so much Allison! I just got married this year in April and I used to struggle with an eating disorder that I have recovered from for a while now, but that means because of this predisposition I cannot diet and I also cannot work out to achieve a certain look, but the messaging around loosing weight for a wedding is extreme! And it took all my willpower not to give in and just „diet a little“ (not possible with my predisposition). I am sorry that you have to deal with this messaging, and I am sure you will do what is best for you and your mental health while also not expecting yourself to be unfazed by it.
Just from my own experience, I definitely didn‘t have the body my eating disorder would have wanted and that I used to have at my wedding day, because it was right after the winter, I was even a bit bigger than my body just naturally is in summer, my dress definitely fit more snuggly st the wedding day than on the day I picked it half a year before that (because bodies change even in just half a year) AND NOT ONCE DO I LOOK AT PICTURES OF MY WEDDING DAY AND CRITICIZE MYSELF FOR HOW I LOOK. Even when I’d normally think a certain angle in a picture is unflattering for me, the pure happiness and joy and the beauty of the day, shine through every picture. You might surprise yourself and feel the same way.
Thanks for this, people aren't nearly honest enough about it. Even in extremely progressive circles, the pressure is there (including from people who would never outside of the context of a wedding)--plus it's matched by a pressure not to admit that we care bc that makes us bad feminists/bad progressives/bad whatever!! It gets very complicated. I wish you'd write an essay on this for a woman's mag.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts; I know so many women can relate. You deserve that dress shopping experience and that beautiful “yes to the dress” moment! You are absolutely right to plan to choose a dress that you love on your body as it is now. Don’t engage with the “wedding ready” culture of trying to shrink into a dress by a deadline; that will only make the the countdown to the wedding more stressful, like you’re marching to judgement day, when you should be looking forward to it! Keep in mind that the samples might not fit perfectly because they’re samples, but when the dress is tailored to your measurements it will be the best-fitting garment you own. Most of us are so used to ready-to-wear clothing that custom tailoring is a revelation!
I’ve followed you for over a decade, and I’m SO happy for you. Try not to let anything get in the way of your joy. ❣️
Yes! I was at my biggest when I went dress shopping and found a dress I looked amazing in without needing to lose weight. It's such a weight (boom boom) off my mind that I don't *have* to lose weight to look good on the day. I've lost a bit because the pressure is off. You're in a great place to know how to handle this for yourself. Enjoy the experience!!
Yes, yes, yes!
I appreciate your honesty here. I often hate the internal debate I have with myself, too, and especially relate to this passage: "Because I don’t think I have enough time to completely unpack all the negative conditioning I grew up with about female bodies and what it means to be a beautiful bride in less than 12 months."
That's a huge part of this debate for me; sometimes, I know I will just feel better if I cut some crap out of my food rotation and move my body more, because I'll look/feel less puffy and bloated, but I also wish I didn't care or feel like I have to care about looking puffy and bloated. I wish it weren't the case, but it feels easier, sometimes, to just work out and drop a few pounds when I'm having a bad body image moment than it does to try to unlearn and overhaul the entire legacy of body shame I've been taught for 33 years.
I don't always think this is "bad." Given my history with binge eating disorder, there are times when I am in a disordered mindset and I am abusing myself with food, so my body is bigger for that reason; and in turn, there are times when I'm feeling incredibly peaceful and harmonious in my body and so it is smaller/more muscular because weight lifting is therapeutic for me. It's a deeply personal, complicated, fine-line-walking situation for all of us. Thanks for your words about it!
I relate to this so much Allison! I just got married this year in April and I used to struggle with an eating disorder that I have recovered from for a while now, but that means because of this predisposition I cannot diet and I also cannot work out to achieve a certain look, but the messaging around loosing weight for a wedding is extreme! And it took all my willpower not to give in and just „diet a little“ (not possible with my predisposition). I am sorry that you have to deal with this messaging, and I am sure you will do what is best for you and your mental health while also not expecting yourself to be unfazed by it.
Just from my own experience, I definitely didn‘t have the body my eating disorder would have wanted and that I used to have at my wedding day, because it was right after the winter, I was even a bit bigger than my body just naturally is in summer, my dress definitely fit more snuggly st the wedding day than on the day I picked it half a year before that (because bodies change even in just half a year) AND NOT ONCE DO I LOOK AT PICTURES OF MY WEDDING DAY AND CRITICIZE MYSELF FOR HOW I LOOK. Even when I’d normally think a certain angle in a picture is unflattering for me, the pure happiness and joy and the beauty of the day, shine through every picture. You might surprise yourself and feel the same way.
Sending you so much love Allison ❤️ I hope you find a dress that makes you feel as beautiful & radiant as we all see you are!