PUTTING YOU BEFORE THEM

If there is one obvious thing about me, it’s that I’m obsessed with my parents. I speak to them at least once a day (if not more). They jointly edit all my written work. And I credit them for keeping me alive after I got sick with OCD at age four and spent a lot of my life wanting to die. In a world that has often felt scary, disappointing and contaminated, Ruth and Ken were my safe haven. I would often joke that the moment they die, I will too.

Like most extremely dark jokes, there was an undercurrent of truth to those declarations. I have never existed in the world without their unwavering support, and I’ve often doubted if I am strong enough to do this whole thing alone. Except, I’m no longer alone. I’m getting married. And this means I have to do some mental reshuffling when it comes to my priorities and how I think about my life.

You see, while I have been in serious relationships and even been engaged before, no one has ever taken precedence over my parents in my mind or my heart. And why would they? I have lost friends. I have lost partners. But I have never once worried I would lose my parents’ love. The night my ex-fiance broke up with me, I had this overwhelming sense that I wanted him to leave our apartment so I could talk to someone who truly cared about me. So, as he packed a bag, I FaceTimed my parents hysterically sobbing on the bathroom floor. In the worst moment of my adult life, my instant instinct was to reach for them and they reached back, even if they had to wake up in the middle of the night and do it across a screen.

I’m keenly aware that this type of relationship is a privilege and not a given despite narratives around what parents “should” be. I have seen friends and even family members struggle to get the kind of support and connection that has always flowed so easily between the three of us. This awareness has kept me from taking our relationship for granted and has motivated me to try to give back as much as they have given to me--at least emotionally, if not financially. (Although I did offer to buy my mom some ice cream after she spent hours and hours editing my last manuscript.) I could never seriously date, let alone marry, someone who didn’t understand and appreciate the huge role my mom and dad play in my life.

But then John and I were in a session with our premarital therapist and he said something that forced me to confront the two-person-sized elephant in the room. Our therapist explained that when he is working with couples, he encourages them to put the couple’s relationship above everything else. Above family. Above work. Even above children. It’s a controversial stance, and it won’t be the right perspective for everyone, especially in certain collectivist cultures, but it hit a chord for me. 

I’ve spent the last year researching and writing a book all about marriage. The process has forced me to really think about what kind of marriage I want. And I’ve realized that I want the kind where the only thing my partner puts above me is himself. The problem with wanting that type of dynamic is that it has to work both ways. I can’t be John’s biggest priority if my biggest priority is my parents. I mean, I guess I can, but I don’t think it would be good or healthy. As much as I have always wanted to be married, I’m realizing that actually doing so isn’t going to be the seamless transition I dreamed of. It’s going to require me to step outside my comfort zone and fully depend on someone I’ve known for less than three years. Because if I am going to swap out the most important role(s) in my life, I don’t want to lose anything in the process. I want to depend on and trust in John to the same extent that I have depended on and trusted my parents. Because I need that kind of mindset to feel safe and flourish.

But…is that foolish?

Should you ever trust a romantic partner in the same way you trust the unconditional love of your primary caretakers?

Now is the part where I admit that I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if I can truly depend on John for the rest of my life. The world is unpredictable and many marriages don’t last forever. But I do know that I want to be able to get there with him. And in order to even aspire to that kind of marriage I have to take the leap of faith and try.

So that means as of August, 2023, John Blakeslee will be the most important person in my life. (As someone who has had the trauma of a broken engagement, I would like to make it down the aisle before making it official!) It is both an exciting and bittersweet feeling. This mental reorganization won’t mean I will speak to my parents any less or care about them with less ferocity. Instead, it means I will allow myself to fully open my heart to someone else in a way I never have before. It means that when I make big decisions, his input and opinion will take precedence.

And, as dark as it sounds, if my parents ever die (which I’m really hoping they will figure out how not to do) my life won’t be over as well. Because, instead of becoming completely adrift, I will still be anchored to another person.

xoxo,

Allison

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