I love finding a new blog post written by you in my e-mails. Sometimes I really do have time to read it and it often provides me with insights and a new connection to my own feelings & thoughts. It helps my mind to get out of stressful situations and actually sit and think. So... thanks, you know?
I have a different kind of relationship with my parents - namely, I feel I can't really trust them, and I've been working on it and with them for years now, MY GOD BOUNDARY WORK IS SO HARD, UGH - but I share some similarities with you.
I hope you're having a good day. And thank you Ruth and Ken for editing all of Allison's written work. I'm curious as what they thought about this piece.
Thank you so much for sharing this! Hearing that you actually get something out of my posts means the world. Ruth and Ken agreed with my new approach and were actually glad to hear it was happening haha Sending so much love and support as you continue to do such intense and hard work!! xoxo A
I’ve never seen someone write out the mental gymnastics I’ve had to navigate about this subject. I recently bought a house and moved in with my partner. We are for lack of a better term, “in it to win it” and that has changed a LOT for me in my inner world. Thanks for giving it words!
This got to me in a big way. As someone who has always relied on my mom for unconditional support, it has been hard to transition to putting that reliance in my wife. However, due to mental health reasons in the last year my mom for the first time in my life couldn't completely be that supportive figure in my life anymore. It was heartbreaking in ways I won't go into in this comment, but in that moment I felt like I was going fall apart without the support I had spent my entire life relying on.
Though instead of crumbling, my wife stepped up and proved that she was always going to be there to hold me up when I didn't have the strength to stand on my own. Honestly that time of my life was devastating, but it also acted as an exercise in learning to fully trust my partner which opened up aspects of our relationship that I didn't know were closed.
It is complicated to open those boundaries in a relationship, but it is worth it for the overfill of love that comes and I am proud of you for taking those steps.
I really really appreciate you sharing this! I've definitely worried about what will happen as my parents continue to age. Your wife sounds wonderful and I'm so proud of you for letting her in. I'm excited to do the same xoxo A
Hi Allison, big fan & really enjoyed this piece and your perspectives!! I would love to hear more about your experiences & advice in the beginning stages of relationships (where I am right now). Learning to open up with someone new, nerves around meeting friends/fam, or feeling like you’re moving too fast/slow.
Thank you for the suggestion!! I will also pitch my book and maybe my short story on here called Contaminated! But I will try to incorporate more of this topic moving forward as well! (Quickly I will say that nerves aren't inherently bad, they just mean we care!) xoxo A
While I’m not engaged to my partner, we talk about marriage pretty often and are seriously planning our lives together (which is necessary when you both want to go to grad school!). My partner’s family is really important to her and she and her family prioritized each other in ways my family never has. While I appreciate this about her family and feel like I learn from their relationship, I am also so grateful every time my partner brings up that I am her priority (above work and family). In a way, the fact that her work and family are important to her but she still prioritizes me is a testament to how committed she is to our relationship. Your post helped me begin to process this!
Oh this is a great perspective to read! It's definitely a tricky thing when you have two totally different family dynamics, but it sounds like you're both navigating it with a lot of grace and understanding! Thanks so much for sharing!
What a beautiful post! I had a very close (AKA co-dependent) relationship with my mother - so something here struck a chord with me. It was quite hard for me to put my partners first - especially as my mother got older and became more needy and dependent. Our close bond stood in the way of many partnerships developing. I'm so happy for you that you have both a wonderful romantic relationship and a healthy and thriving relationship with your loving parents!!
Hi Allison, this was really fascinating to read and resonated with me. I'm someone who has a very strong relationship with my family, my mum when i was growing up and now as an adult, with my sister. Similar to you, i've always wanted a relationship where my partner puts me first but I never quite connected that asking that of someone but not providing the same isn't really an equal exchange. Now that I'm in a long term relationship, i do find myself really being challenged in terms of trusting my partner over, if not equally to how i would my mum or my sister. It's a work in progress! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your own process.
It is definitely a process and not something I'm able to do all at once! But knowing and understanding why it's a goal has been super helpful! Sending love! A
Props to you for working on this while your parents are still alive and well <3 xoxo someone who didn't work on anything like this while my mom was alive and was utterly destroyed for years by her death.
It is such an enormous loss, it's hard to know how much this work will pay off in the future. Can't imagine what you have gone through. Sending so much love <3 Allison
This is so important, and rarely talked about. I have a hunch I’ll be getting engaged soon, and as time goes on he feels like My Person and he and our cats are My Family. This feels like a weird betrayal of my parents/siblings. My instinct has always been to stay close to home, but “home” is now wherever Ryan is. If Our family wants to move to a new city someday, that will have to be my priority. It’s a wild shift in life! Thank you for sharing 💜
Thank you!! We got engaged and I’m like “gotta tell Allison” 😂 your book was so helpful to me when trying to get more comfortable in this relationship! So genuinely, thank you for everything ♥️
Interesting. Thanks for sharing! I think maybe this isn't the type of relationship/marriage I would want in order of priorities. But I'm not sure. Thought provoking, I shall need to journal on this
If ive learned one thing from the jbu podcast its to never underestimate the famous, if controversial, advice of Joan Sloan. Rhyming therapist extrodinaire. (Though I have actually learned many insightful and interesting things from the jbu podcast, and would recommend to all).
Hot take here. Hierarchical thinking is fundamentally inhumane and toxic. You are allowed to love and “prioritize” both your parents and your partner. There is enough love to go round <3
This is a similar conversation to the cultural pressure to find “the one.” In JBU land I thought we all agreed that “the one” is not a thing. John will never be like your parents because he is John, your loving partner. Completely different relationships that can be equally valued. You do not have to choose. You can show all parties equal love respect and consideration. Really !
Additionally, a cis male therapist telling a cis woman that she has to place her relationship with her male partner above all other relationships, puts a bad taste in my mouth. Imagine him saying that to a person in a relationship with someone with even the slightest narcissistic or manipulative tendencies ?? (fortunately fiancée John seems absolutely lovely).
Hi! I think that maybe you misinterpreted some of what I was saying. It's really just a perspective of building my life around my partnership but that said it definitely isn't the right approach for everyone! Either way thanks for reading and I agree John is very lovely! xoxo A
Ok! But I don’t think your therapist’s advice, if you’re repeating what he said verbatim, is difficult to interpret! “… he encourages them to put the couple’s relationship above everything else. Above family. Above work. Even above children.” That is a familiar, patriarchal, expectation!
I agree that deep relationships will always require showing vulnerability, relying on each other, listening to each other, adapting to and supporting each other, and feeling genuine obligations, while navigating each others’ healthy boundaries !
But that is not the same thing as the hierarchical language in your post:
“…swap out the most important role(s) in my life”
“…taken precedence over my parents in my mind or my heart.”
“…biggest priority”
“It means that when I make big decisions, his input and opinion will take precedence.”
I’ll go ahead and admit I’m a poly queer anarchist with basically no relationship with my parents, so there’s plenty about your post I’m just not personally relating to lol !! But outside the personal, I see a problem in applying some kind of fixed ranking to human relationships.
Anyways I think you’re great and thank you for the writing and the convo ! And thanks to the Johns too haha.
Yes I can see how what I am saying feels contradictory haha But I guess for me, it's not a problematic approach because I am asking John to do the same. We both have some stuff in our past that makes it hard to truly trust and rely on each other but we are trying to push through that so we can feel safe and anchored to each other. Again, this is not the right approach for everyone, but considering the way our lives are, prioritizing our dyad over "thirds" like work and extended family makes the decision to even get married feel worth it. I hope that helps explain my POV but totally understand if it still doesn't sit right!
I love finding a new blog post written by you in my e-mails. Sometimes I really do have time to read it and it often provides me with insights and a new connection to my own feelings & thoughts. It helps my mind to get out of stressful situations and actually sit and think. So... thanks, you know?
I have a different kind of relationship with my parents - namely, I feel I can't really trust them, and I've been working on it and with them for years now, MY GOD BOUNDARY WORK IS SO HARD, UGH - but I share some similarities with you.
I hope you're having a good day. And thank you Ruth and Ken for editing all of Allison's written work. I'm curious as what they thought about this piece.
xxx
Z
Thank you so much for sharing this! Hearing that you actually get something out of my posts means the world. Ruth and Ken agreed with my new approach and were actually glad to hear it was happening haha Sending so much love and support as you continue to do such intense and hard work!! xoxo A
I’ve never seen someone write out the mental gymnastics I’ve had to navigate about this subject. I recently bought a house and moved in with my partner. We are for lack of a better term, “in it to win it” and that has changed a LOT for me in my inner world. Thanks for giving it words!
Oh I'm so happy it was relatable! Didn't know if this was going to be a "me" thing haha Good luck to both of us as we adjust! xoxo A
dear allison,
thanks for sharing all of this.
i particularly love this: "if my parents ever die (which I’m really hoping they will figure out how not to do) my life won’t be over as well."
congrats on the engagement!
love,
myq
Thank you so much Myq!! It's so great to hear from you!! xoxo A
same here! i was glad to see you on here!
This got to me in a big way. As someone who has always relied on my mom for unconditional support, it has been hard to transition to putting that reliance in my wife. However, due to mental health reasons in the last year my mom for the first time in my life couldn't completely be that supportive figure in my life anymore. It was heartbreaking in ways I won't go into in this comment, but in that moment I felt like I was going fall apart without the support I had spent my entire life relying on.
Though instead of crumbling, my wife stepped up and proved that she was always going to be there to hold me up when I didn't have the strength to stand on my own. Honestly that time of my life was devastating, but it also acted as an exercise in learning to fully trust my partner which opened up aspects of our relationship that I didn't know were closed.
It is complicated to open those boundaries in a relationship, but it is worth it for the overfill of love that comes and I am proud of you for taking those steps.
I really really appreciate you sharing this! I've definitely worried about what will happen as my parents continue to age. Your wife sounds wonderful and I'm so proud of you for letting her in. I'm excited to do the same xoxo A
Hi Allison, big fan & really enjoyed this piece and your perspectives!! I would love to hear more about your experiences & advice in the beginning stages of relationships (where I am right now). Learning to open up with someone new, nerves around meeting friends/fam, or feeling like you’re moving too fast/slow.
Thank you for the suggestion!! I will also pitch my book and maybe my short story on here called Contaminated! But I will try to incorporate more of this topic moving forward as well! (Quickly I will say that nerves aren't inherently bad, they just mean we care!) xoxo A
I'm not Allison, but I will chime in to say if you haven't read her book OVERTHINKING ABOUT YOU, you really should!
I support this message!! xoxo A
Love this, feels like I am reading my own truth spoken by someone else!
That makes me so happy!! xoxo A
While I’m not engaged to my partner, we talk about marriage pretty often and are seriously planning our lives together (which is necessary when you both want to go to grad school!). My partner’s family is really important to her and she and her family prioritized each other in ways my family never has. While I appreciate this about her family and feel like I learn from their relationship, I am also so grateful every time my partner brings up that I am her priority (above work and family). In a way, the fact that her work and family are important to her but she still prioritizes me is a testament to how committed she is to our relationship. Your post helped me begin to process this!
Oh this is a great perspective to read! It's definitely a tricky thing when you have two totally different family dynamics, but it sounds like you're both navigating it with a lot of grace and understanding! Thanks so much for sharing!
This was so interesting to read, Allison! I love seeing your new posts pop up, it always gives me something to think about ❤️
PS I am so grateful to Ruth & Ken for keeping you alive and supporting you to become who you are, they seem like truly delightful people xo
Thank you!! I'm so grateful too!! (And they are quite delightful!) xoxo A
What a beautiful post! I had a very close (AKA co-dependent) relationship with my mother - so something here struck a chord with me. It was quite hard for me to put my partners first - especially as my mother got older and became more needy and dependent. Our close bond stood in the way of many partnerships developing. I'm so happy for you that you have both a wonderful romantic relationship and a healthy and thriving relationship with your loving parents!!
Thank you, Julie!! It can be so hard to strike the right balance with relationships (and most things). Sending love and thank you for the kind note!!
Hi Allison, this was really fascinating to read and resonated with me. I'm someone who has a very strong relationship with my family, my mum when i was growing up and now as an adult, with my sister. Similar to you, i've always wanted a relationship where my partner puts me first but I never quite connected that asking that of someone but not providing the same isn't really an equal exchange. Now that I'm in a long term relationship, i do find myself really being challenged in terms of trusting my partner over, if not equally to how i would my mum or my sister. It's a work in progress! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your own process.
It is definitely a process and not something I'm able to do all at once! But knowing and understanding why it's a goal has been super helpful! Sending love! A
Props to you for working on this while your parents are still alive and well <3 xoxo someone who didn't work on anything like this while my mom was alive and was utterly destroyed for years by her death.
It is such an enormous loss, it's hard to know how much this work will pay off in the future. Can't imagine what you have gone through. Sending so much love <3 Allison
This is so important, and rarely talked about. I have a hunch I’ll be getting engaged soon, and as time goes on he feels like My Person and he and our cats are My Family. This feels like a weird betrayal of my parents/siblings. My instinct has always been to stay close to home, but “home” is now wherever Ryan is. If Our family wants to move to a new city someday, that will have to be my priority. It’s a wild shift in life! Thank you for sharing 💜
It really is a big shift!! Thank you for sharing your journey with it and I'm so excited for your next chapter!! xoxo A
My hunch was right by the way! We got engaged last week 😊💍
OMG!!! Congratulations!! That is so exciting!!
Thank you!! We got engaged and I’m like “gotta tell Allison” 😂 your book was so helpful to me when trying to get more comfortable in this relationship! So genuinely, thank you for everything ♥️
I am so honored to have helped in any way!! Thank you for reading! xoxo A
Interesting. Thanks for sharing! I think maybe this isn't the type of relationship/marriage I would want in order of priorities. But I'm not sure. Thought provoking, I shall need to journal on this
Totally! Have to figure out what is right for you! xoxo A
If ive learned one thing from the jbu podcast its to never underestimate the famous, if controversial, advice of Joan Sloan. Rhyming therapist extrodinaire. (Though I have actually learned many insightful and interesting things from the jbu podcast, and would recommend to all).
hahha Joan Sloane for the win every time! Thanks for reading and listening!! xoxo A
Loved this!!
Thank you!!
Hot take here. Hierarchical thinking is fundamentally inhumane and toxic. You are allowed to love and “prioritize” both your parents and your partner. There is enough love to go round <3
This is a similar conversation to the cultural pressure to find “the one.” In JBU land I thought we all agreed that “the one” is not a thing. John will never be like your parents because he is John, your loving partner. Completely different relationships that can be equally valued. You do not have to choose. You can show all parties equal love respect and consideration. Really !
Additionally, a cis male therapist telling a cis woman that she has to place her relationship with her male partner above all other relationships, puts a bad taste in my mouth. Imagine him saying that to a person in a relationship with someone with even the slightest narcissistic or manipulative tendencies ?? (fortunately fiancée John seems absolutely lovely).
Hi! I think that maybe you misinterpreted some of what I was saying. It's really just a perspective of building my life around my partnership but that said it definitely isn't the right approach for everyone! Either way thanks for reading and I agree John is very lovely! xoxo A
Ok! But I don’t think your therapist’s advice, if you’re repeating what he said verbatim, is difficult to interpret! “… he encourages them to put the couple’s relationship above everything else. Above family. Above work. Even above children.” That is a familiar, patriarchal, expectation!
I agree that deep relationships will always require showing vulnerability, relying on each other, listening to each other, adapting to and supporting each other, and feeling genuine obligations, while navigating each others’ healthy boundaries !
But that is not the same thing as the hierarchical language in your post:
“…swap out the most important role(s) in my life”
“…taken precedence over my parents in my mind or my heart.”
“…biggest priority”
“It means that when I make big decisions, his input and opinion will take precedence.”
I’ll go ahead and admit I’m a poly queer anarchist with basically no relationship with my parents, so there’s plenty about your post I’m just not personally relating to lol !! But outside the personal, I see a problem in applying some kind of fixed ranking to human relationships.
Anyways I think you’re great and thank you for the writing and the convo ! And thanks to the Johns too haha.
Thank you, your reply helps me understand a bit better ! Definitely wishing ya’ll all the best, may your love keep growing 💜
Yes I can see how what I am saying feels contradictory haha But I guess for me, it's not a problematic approach because I am asking John to do the same. We both have some stuff in our past that makes it hard to truly trust and rely on each other but we are trying to push through that so we can feel safe and anchored to each other. Again, this is not the right approach for everyone, but considering the way our lives are, prioritizing our dyad over "thirds" like work and extended family makes the decision to even get married feel worth it. I hope that helps explain my POV but totally understand if it still doesn't sit right!