(RE)DEFINING FEMININE

At some point during my adolescence, I bought a pair of dark green sneakers. Whenever I wore them, I became convinced that they made me seem overtly masculine. And appearing masculine was something I did not, under any circumstances, want to do. So, for years (and years) I refused to wear sneakers unless I was working out or playing sports. I spent all of college in various boots, sandals and closed toed shoes. It was only in my 20’s that I dared to wear sneakers with a regular outfit and realized the level of comfort (and style!) I had been missing out on.

I’m not sure when my intense fear of being perceived as masculine began because I can’t remember a time without it. But if I had to wager a guess, I think it grew in parallel with people thinking I was bossy and me making a correlation between the two in my mind. I have always had a lot of strong opinions and growing up with OCD I didn’t have the self-control to keep any of them to myself. I also often wanted things done a certain way and suddenly bossy and controlling were adjectives I desperately wanted to fling off myself as quickly as they were being attached. I saw myself as obnoxiously loud and brash, and I figured that if I presented as overtly feminine these hated parts of myself wouldn’t be as obvious to other people.

Whenever I stood up for myself or directly vocalized what I wanted, I assumed that I was giving off a “masculine energy.” And that scared me because I strongly identify as a woman and want to be perceived as such. My personality felt in conflict with my gender identity. As did my inability to know how to use makeup or my unwillingness to suffer the pain of high heels. So I did what I could to control the narrative and somehow that meant I wasn’t allowed to wear sneakers. (Not all plans are good ones.)

Throughout the years I would vocalize my intense fear of being masculine to people in my life and I was always met with disbelief. Apparently, the way I saw myself didn’t correlate with the traditionally feminine woman they knew with painted nails and lots of jewelry. For a while I found this genuinely confusing. How were they not seeing my clearly masculine energy that was forever seeping out of me despite my best attempts to squash it by avoiding collared shirts and anything camo?

By now you have probably identified my flawed logic. I was associating what would otherwise be favorable personality traits (confidence, being direct and knowing what I wanted) as conflicting with my definition of femininity. This meant they must be masculine traits because at this point, I was still under the false impression that gender was a binary. I didn’t think of assertiveness as a feminine quality because it’s so often redefined as bossy when attributed to a woman. Confidence was relabeled as arrogance. Feminine women seemingly weren’t allowed to have visions or strong goals. But they could be demanding and controlling. Given this double standard it’s easy to see why I feared these parts of myself that would be lauded in a man.

Why did I believe that a woman had to turn over her femininity in order to take charge of a meeting? Why did I think that pushing back or standing up for myself meant giving up the way I like to be perceived? Why were only men or male energies allowed to take up space in the room? I feel embarrassed that for so long my internalized sexism caused me to view positive parts of my personality as inherently “masculine” and therefore at odds with my gender identity. But I also know I am a product of my societal conditioning. And we often have to unlearn as much as we learn.

I have only felt comfortable and empowered to question my own (false) assumptions about gender after seeing so many others do the same. I thought as a cis woman that my gender presentation couldn’t be a source of internal conflict despite all the evidence to the contrary. But I’ve realized that all of us can benefit from taking the time to deconstruct our thoughts about gender and release ourselves from expectations that are more harmful than helpful.

By expanding my personal definition of what it means to be a woman, I have felt more at ease in myself and my body. I no longer feel like I am “failing womanhood” by wearing flats to a wedding instead of four-inch heels. I don’t feel less feminine because eyeliner alludes me and so many of my female friends know to curl their hair while I have never been able to figure it out. And now, when I take up space or take command of a room, I no longer feel as though I am suppressing my femininity in order to do so. Instead, I feel as though I am harnessing it. Because I get to define what type of woman I want to be, and she is someone who is not afraid to speak her mind--or wear sneakers.

xoxo.

Allison