SHOULD I REALLY LIVE LIKE I’M DYING???

One of my biggest vices is that I love to order Postmates. I know that it is ridiculously expensive and I know my husband is a wonderful cook, but most nights I want to misbehave and order in. This nightly dilemma over whether I should spend money I’m supposed to be saving gets at a bigger question I have been struggling with lately. How much should I be preparing for the future versus enjoying the present?

As someone with an anxious mind, I am used to contingency planning. I have never been someone who thinks, “It’ll all work itself out, so I don’t have to worry!” But lately, I have been feeling the pull to prioritize the present instead of constantly looking out for my future self. While I don’t think I will ever get to a place where I act like I might die tomorrow and therefore I can do whatever I want without the fear of consequences, I do wonder if I’d be happier if I took a page from the live like you are dying (soonish) crowd.

This feels especially pertinent right now because I am facing a strange year. I have a bit of career stability in that I have three books coming out starting in the fall and continuing into 2026. One of these books could become a bestseller and even get adapted. Or they could all barely make an impression like my most recent experience with Overthinking About You. I loved that book and am so proud of it, but it didn’t seem to sell much. If I hadn’t had other irons in the fire, I would have been screwed.

So the question becomes do I spend 2024 desperately trying to figure out my next big thing. Or do I--for once--sit comfortably with what I currently have? Every day I fluctuate back and forth. Should I preemptively open a dating coaching business so I have guaranteed income on top of my creative pursuits, or do I wait it out and see how the first two books do before adding a whole new business endeavor to my slate?

Basically, do I let myself enjoy the present or do I push myself to prepare for a future that might not even happen if I suddenly die (or my books become a success)?

Obviously, the best answer likely lies somewhere in the middle, but I have been struggling to find the right balance. Will there be long-term consequences if we decide to order in or is it good to honor my craving and have a wonderful night of ramen? Can I randomly take the day off work because my body and mind want a break, or am I setting myself up for disaster by potentially not giving myself enough time to hit one of my deadlines?

Who matters more? This me or the me that will have to live with my current decisions?

Part of what makes this difficult is that so much of our future remains unknown. I could do everything “right” and still get hit by a bus. Or I could live for the moment and still have everything work out. Everyone says that no one wishes on their death bed that they worked more, but what if mine is very uncomfortable and filthy because I was reckless?

Even decisions around maintaining my friendships get caught in these philosophical crosshairs. Sometimes I force myself to go see a friend even though I really don’t feel up for it because I worry that if I don’t put in the time right now the friendship will fade and it will be all my fault because I prioritized the wrong thing. I don’t want to leave future Allison broke, unemployed and friendless because I acted as if I didn’t still have decades of my life to worry about.

You might notice that I am making a lot of leaps in logic here. Clearly my fears about the future lead me to catastrophize probably because of how much value I place on being responsible. And in my mind, living for the now conflicts with being a responsible adult.

Except, maybe it doesn’t have to. Maybe I can do some work to reframe what that word means. Perhaps being responsible can have a broader definition and include caring for my current needs/desires, even if I can’t directly see how doing so will benefit me in the future. I don’t need to lump buying a car I can’t afford in with purchasing a top for $50 because it will make me happy in the moment. Maybe it’s okay to not have multiple backup plans for my career so long as I fulfill my current commitments. I don’t always have to make the most responsible decision to still be a responsible person.

When I think ahead to these next few months, the thing I want most for myself is to not be worried all the time. I don’t want to live in a state that assumes the worst will happen so I better do everything I can to counteract that inevitable outcome. But I also don’t want to leave my future self floundering because my current self refused to acknowledge her.

Basically, I want to live like I will die eventually. Which is not only objectively true but also encourages me to acknowledge that my time is precious and deserves to be enjoyed without feeling like I need to throw all my obligations out the window because the end is imminent. It is once again a problem solved with semantics, but I don’t know if that makes it less valuable.

My time on earth is finite and I still have a lot of my life left to live.

Knowing both those things are true might make it easier for me to navigate my decisions and mindset. I can cancel on a friend but reschedule the next week. I can take one day off but not two. I can spend money without spending all my money. 

And perhaps, most importantly, I can try to get to a place where I feel like what I am doing is enough to protect my future self, even if it isn’t the most.

xoxo,

Allison

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