Anyone who knows me well (or watched any of my sketches from roughly 2015 to 2018) knows that I have wanted to be married my entire conscious life. I even have a vague memory of being on a walk with friends when I was in the sixth grade and thinking
I relate to this a lot! My partner and I broke up after 7 years together about half a year ago and while I very rarely miss being in a relationship with HIM anymore I definitely miss being in A relationship. I find it hard balancing between knowing I want a relationship again and not rushing into things or look past incompatibilities when I start seeing someone just because I’m so eager to have a relationship again. Trying to find the middle ground of being content being single while also being okay with the fact that ideally I would want to be partnered up.
I loved reading this. Thank you. The message can get so twisted, is the reason my relationships fail because I don't love myself enough? Seriously, one "coach" person seemed to imply that while I wailed away about this dream I have which involves someone else who happens to have a penis. And it's not that I don't like my life, enjoy my family, friends, pets and alone time. I just also enjoy having a man friend- certain activities are more fun with a partner and I'm always happy after good fun sex. I'm older so I don't want to get married, have kids, worry about a career. I feel I'm in a special and temporary space where I can be a teenager who's already grown up. It's not going to last forever so I want to enjoy it while I can. Loved your perspective and helped get rid of some of my guilt- why do you need a man, be happy with yourself.
I'm so glad it was helpful! There is nothing wrong with looking for companionship! Sending love and loving the idea of being a teenager who has already grown up! Such a great concept!
this is funny: "Just as I suspected I love being married."
also this is funny and true: "No one really gives you a plus one for your roommate or grandma."
this one is true: "Having a long-term buddy can be incredibly rewarding. It is normal and adaptive to want that for yourself. It only becomes maladaptive when the search overtakes your entire life, like it often did for me."
and this as well: "There are many people who don’t want or need a relationship to feel satisfied with their life. And that is a wonderful thing."
i think it's telling that, in our society, we talk about getting into A RELATIONSHIP as referring to a ROMANTIC one, when of course there are many different kinds of rewarding relationships. familial ones. friendship ones. the one we have with ourself. you rightly point out that as humans, we are social creatures, and most people cannot and do not exist or thrive completely on our own. and also, our society and language elevates this one type of relationship in a way that can warp things for folks.
i'm very glad that you have had all the beautiful connections in your life that you have had before you were married, and i'm very glad you found a wonderful partner!
I appreciate these reflections so much. I grew up with a similar mindset of obsessing over marriage but then did a complete pivot when I realized/came to terms with being queer. That, plus worsening OCD and other issues, convinced me I didn't want to AND *couldn't* ever be in a meaningful partnership. I'm still just coming out of that phase and feeling so much grief over the perpetual lack of partnership in my life.
I have also been trying to be careful to be clear about where my desire for partnership comes from and to affirm my wholeness regardless. Amidst all that, your words—"we are not meant to create a lifestyle that doesn’t depend on anyone or anything other than our own company"—resonate so much. I feel a little more hopeful about staying the course of the exhausting process of dating/learning to be in close relationships after reading this. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I have a feeling a lot of other people can relate to it. I'm so excited for your next chapter and if you ever need a reminder that you CAN have a meaningful partnership, you know where to find me <3
Beautifully and oh-so-intricately put, Allison. I’m awaiting the launch of your new book with eager anticipation. I might even purchase the printed edition of it if Capitalism allows me to do so.
I love the permission you encourage us to give ourselves here. There is so much messaging around needing to feel totally OK on your own, when we are not biologically designed that way. I believe for some of us, the path in life is partnership and for others the connection needs are met in other ways. I have kept trying (with partnership) despite a rocky road, and I still have hope! I do draw inspiration from people who are able to have rich, fulfilling lives without a partner but I don't think this should be a holy grail or a tool to judge ourselves with.
Love this perspective! Everyone's life unfolds differently and it's okay to have wants that are different from the people around you while still learning from them!
I love this and it fascinates me! As someone a few years younger than you who has never been in a romantic relationship, I tend to feel the opposite kind of pressure to partner up. But I've definitely witnessed what you are describing, too--the "I don't need a man" kind of energy that's great if it's true for you and potentially harmful when it's equated with "I'm above being in a relationship."
I think maybe these are two sides of the same coin, and that it all comes from the strange way our culture treats romance. In some ways, the expectation that everyone will become romantically/sexually partnered ends up being unhealthy for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. But on the other hand, the assumption that a romantic partner is such an enormous part of everyone's life has created this pushback where it can feel like joining your life with someone else's is a de-prioritization, or even erasure, of the self.
Privileging relationships, whatever kind work for you, is so important! We shouldn't make any assumptions that single people are lonely and unloveable, and that people who actively look for relationships are desperate and codependent. I'm very excited to read your new book!
Love this comment so much! "We shouldn't make any assumptions that single people are lonely and unloveable, and that people who actively look for relationships are desperate and codependent." Absolutely agree!!
I absolutely love being in a marriage with the right partner. And we have been together a month shy of eight years and I’ve enjoyed all that journey together. I’ve never been with a partner who came even close to wanting to be with me that long or vice versa but I always sought love and partnership and was a serial dater. Maybe that’s “unhealthy” but the right partnership has allowed me the emotional stability to heal and achieve so much more (also therapy 🤣). Thanks for the insightful post. Societally I do hope we get to a place where everyone’s choices are seen as valid — whether that’s marriage or bringing your gran as a plus one (or roommate) etc.
I relate to this a lot! My partner and I broke up after 7 years together about half a year ago and while I very rarely miss being in a relationship with HIM anymore I definitely miss being in A relationship. I find it hard balancing between knowing I want a relationship again and not rushing into things or look past incompatibilities when I start seeing someone just because I’m so eager to have a relationship again. Trying to find the middle ground of being content being single while also being okay with the fact that ideally I would want to be partnered up.
Thank you so much for sharing this! Finding that middle ground is a very relatable struggle and it's awesome you know yourself enough to look for it!
I loved reading this. Thank you. The message can get so twisted, is the reason my relationships fail because I don't love myself enough? Seriously, one "coach" person seemed to imply that while I wailed away about this dream I have which involves someone else who happens to have a penis. And it's not that I don't like my life, enjoy my family, friends, pets and alone time. I just also enjoy having a man friend- certain activities are more fun with a partner and I'm always happy after good fun sex. I'm older so I don't want to get married, have kids, worry about a career. I feel I'm in a special and temporary space where I can be a teenager who's already grown up. It's not going to last forever so I want to enjoy it while I can. Loved your perspective and helped get rid of some of my guilt- why do you need a man, be happy with yourself.
I'm so glad it was helpful! There is nothing wrong with looking for companionship! Sending love and loving the idea of being a teenager who has already grown up! Such a great concept!
dear allison,
another meaningful piece! thank you for sharing!
this is funny: "Just as I suspected I love being married."
also this is funny and true: "No one really gives you a plus one for your roommate or grandma."
this one is true: "Having a long-term buddy can be incredibly rewarding. It is normal and adaptive to want that for yourself. It only becomes maladaptive when the search overtakes your entire life, like it often did for me."
and this as well: "There are many people who don’t want or need a relationship to feel satisfied with their life. And that is a wonderful thing."
i think it's telling that, in our society, we talk about getting into A RELATIONSHIP as referring to a ROMANTIC one, when of course there are many different kinds of rewarding relationships. familial ones. friendship ones. the one we have with ourself. you rightly point out that as humans, we are social creatures, and most people cannot and do not exist or thrive completely on our own. and also, our society and language elevates this one type of relationship in a way that can warp things for folks.
i'm very glad that you have had all the beautiful connections in your life that you have had before you were married, and i'm very glad you found a wonderful partner!
good luck everyone!
thanks and love,
myq
Thank you so much, Myq!!
this spoke to my soul thank you
I'm so glad!! xoxo A
I appreciate these reflections so much. I grew up with a similar mindset of obsessing over marriage but then did a complete pivot when I realized/came to terms with being queer. That, plus worsening OCD and other issues, convinced me I didn't want to AND *couldn't* ever be in a meaningful partnership. I'm still just coming out of that phase and feeling so much grief over the perpetual lack of partnership in my life.
I have also been trying to be careful to be clear about where my desire for partnership comes from and to affirm my wholeness regardless. Amidst all that, your words—"we are not meant to create a lifestyle that doesn’t depend on anyone or anything other than our own company"—resonate so much. I feel a little more hopeful about staying the course of the exhausting process of dating/learning to be in close relationships after reading this. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I have a feeling a lot of other people can relate to it. I'm so excited for your next chapter and if you ever need a reminder that you CAN have a meaningful partnership, you know where to find me <3
Beautifully and oh-so-intricately put, Allison. I’m awaiting the launch of your new book with eager anticipation. I might even purchase the printed edition of it if Capitalism allows me to do so.
Oh thank you so much!!! I'm so excited for people to finally get to read it!
Agreed. It is better to take the time to find the right relationship than it is to rush into a wrong one.
Absolutely!
I love the permission you encourage us to give ourselves here. There is so much messaging around needing to feel totally OK on your own, when we are not biologically designed that way. I believe for some of us, the path in life is partnership and for others the connection needs are met in other ways. I have kept trying (with partnership) despite a rocky road, and I still have hope! I do draw inspiration from people who are able to have rich, fulfilling lives without a partner but I don't think this should be a holy grail or a tool to judge ourselves with.
Love this perspective! Everyone's life unfolds differently and it's okay to have wants that are different from the people around you while still learning from them!
I love this and it fascinates me! As someone a few years younger than you who has never been in a romantic relationship, I tend to feel the opposite kind of pressure to partner up. But I've definitely witnessed what you are describing, too--the "I don't need a man" kind of energy that's great if it's true for you and potentially harmful when it's equated with "I'm above being in a relationship."
I think maybe these are two sides of the same coin, and that it all comes from the strange way our culture treats romance. In some ways, the expectation that everyone will become romantically/sexually partnered ends up being unhealthy for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. But on the other hand, the assumption that a romantic partner is such an enormous part of everyone's life has created this pushback where it can feel like joining your life with someone else's is a de-prioritization, or even erasure, of the self.
Privileging relationships, whatever kind work for you, is so important! We shouldn't make any assumptions that single people are lonely and unloveable, and that people who actively look for relationships are desperate and codependent. I'm very excited to read your new book!
Love this comment so much! "We shouldn't make any assumptions that single people are lonely and unloveable, and that people who actively look for relationships are desperate and codependent." Absolutely agree!!
I absolutely love being in a marriage with the right partner. And we have been together a month shy of eight years and I’ve enjoyed all that journey together. I’ve never been with a partner who came even close to wanting to be with me that long or vice versa but I always sought love and partnership and was a serial dater. Maybe that’s “unhealthy” but the right partnership has allowed me the emotional stability to heal and achieve so much more (also therapy 🤣). Thanks for the insightful post. Societally I do hope we get to a place where everyone’s choices are seen as valid — whether that’s marriage or bringing your gran as a plus one (or roommate) etc.
thank you for sharing this! Absolutely agree that a shift in social pressure would be a huge help to everyone! So glad you've found a good fit <3