THE PLATINUM RULE

Treat Others How THEY Want To Be Treated

A lot of you have probably heard about the Golden Rule: Treat others how you would want to be treated. It’s a lovely concept that distills human interaction into one simple guideline. Not sure how to handle a situation? Behave how you would want someone else to behave. Simple and ethical. But the problem with the Golden Rule is that people often want different things. What might work for me, might not work at all for you or your neighbor.

Enter: the Platinum Rule. I first heard about this theory in my multicultural counseling class, which makes perfect sense since the entire point of the course was learning how to model therapy around the needs and preferences of the individual client--instead of forcing them to work within a pre-established system (made by white men). My initial reaction to this new idea was: Oh, that makes a lot of sense. My second reaction was: Oh, no!

You see, I pride myself on being an extremely considerate person. I make sure I never cut anyone in line and I am constantly monitoring the “vibes” of everyone in a group to ensure no one feels left out or upset. Some might even say my consideration teeters on the edge of hypervigilance and compulsion, but I will leave that for my next therapist to confirm or deny. I was also an adamant supporter of the Golden Rule. It helped me navigate otherwise terrifying or perplexing terrain. If a friend was going through a hard time, I simply did what I would want someone to do for me. If someone needed advice, I would tell them what I might need to hear. Showing up for people wasn’t confusing because I knew how to show up for myself.

But then everything shifted. And I realized, while well intentioned, the Golden Rule completely ignores people’s personality differences and greater context. It can shield you from noticing what might actually help someone because you are operating under the false assumption that you instinctively know what is best for everyone else. Living in that delusion is safe and comfortable, but it is not what other people need from you.

Since learning about the Platinum Rule, I have tried to be more aware of other people’s preferences. This effort has been part of a larger evolution for me wherein I am learning that people truly do operate differently from me and accepting that that is perfectly okay. (Two distinct steps!) Sometimes it is easy to tell what the other person wants. For example, I have a friend who is far more private than any close friend I’ve had in the past. The other day she shared that she had had a bad week. If I had had a bad week, I would have wanted a friend to ask me about it and encourage me to open up so we could discuss it. But I have learned that that is not how she operates. So, when she told me she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, I believed her instead of seeing her reluctance as something that needed to be torn down to prove I care about her. Because, to her, me showing I care is respecting her boundaries. Even though I previously thought the way to show friendship was to shimmy my way into other people’s problems.

What’s scary about the Platinum Rule is that other people’s preferences aren’t always obvious. You might find yourself in a meeting where your boss makes a sexist comment at your co-worker’s expense and you truly have no idea how your co-worker would prefer you to behave. Do they want you to say something in the moment? Do they want you to just talk trash about the boss with them after? Do they want you to pretend it never happened? Unfortunately, the Platinum Rule doesn’t provide the same cheat sheet as the Golden one. So what do we do?

For me, the answer is simply: we do our best. And the first part of doing our best is to not make assumptions. Instead of forging ahead with a clear plan, we should be more open and aware of the verbal and nonverbal feedback the other person is giving us so we can correct course when needed. For example, one of my friends is dealing with an illness in her family. And for months I thought the right thing to do was to text to ask for updates about their family member. That is what I would want and expect from a friend so that is what I did. But as time went on, I realized our text conversations would abruptly end whenever I brought it up. I (slowly) realized that my friend didn’t seem to enjoy having to talk about this horrible subject and was much more likely to quickly respond when I checked in about something else or sent a silly, nonimportant message. So that’s what I started to do. It felt at odds with my idea of support and I initially worried that I seemed careless for not talking about this huge thing more, but that kind of talk isn’t what my friend seems to need. So I adjusted. Am I certain I am now getting it right? Absolutely not. But I know I am trying.

Part of living in a society filled with people who are not our clones is that we are going to mess up. We are going to hurt each other and unintentionally offend each other and maybe even drive each other a little bananas. But those mess-ups don’t mean we can’t get better at learning what works for other people. Progress not perfection isn’t just a great saying for a kitschy mug.  It’s also true. While the Golden Rule implies perfection is possible, the Platinum Rule encourages us to learn about each other and start to think outside of our own framework. It also opens the door for us to do a better job of telling other people how we want to be treated. Because the rule works both ways. The more guidance we give other people, the more likely they are to know what (the hell) to do.

xoxo,

Allison

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