GREAT insight. I was married, very unhappily, for 23 years. (24 but that last year we were separated). We did couple's therapy over the years with 4 different therapists. In all of these sessions I stated clearly three things I needed my husband to change in order for me to keep working at the marriage. (Small things like eye contact, occasional affection, and allowing me to speak...) In every session he insisted that he was already great at these things and that I was just 'making it up.' Sigh. Not once did he acknowledge the existence of any problems. He clearly had zero desire to change anything. I kept believing that somehow, some way, he would change as time went on. I finally stepped away after 23 years, as I realized he did not want to change or grow or be a better husband (or person). I had truly hoped to grow old with this man. But there are times when you simply have to step away. I had no idea how deeply unhappy I had been until I'd been out of it for a year or two. Whew. I finally valued myself enough to do what was right for ME.
"the thing is, aside from relationships with abuse of any kind, almost any marriage can be 'saved' based on partners’ answers to the following two questions:
Can I accept you as you are?
Am I willing to change?"
beautiful, simple, powerful.
reminds me of maybe my favorite shunryu suzuki quote: 'Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement.'
It might not have been the intention of this post - but boy, is this good advertising for your upcoming book! If it is anywhere as aware, insightful and well written as this post right here, it is definitely worth reading.
I haven’t heard of the show — maybe it’s not in the UK and I haven’t lived in the US for over a decade (I’m British American) — but what an insightful post. My first husband left me in what seemed out of the blue but I realise years later he did me a favour. The foundations of our relationship were not solid and it allowed me to find my second husband who is an absolute gem and life with him feels joyful and fun, filled with love and laughter. And he meets my needs in ways I couldn’t have articulated. We haven’t ever needed couples therapy — I’m a big believer in therapy and see my therapist regularly — but if we do I’ll make sure to address these questions. Thanks for sharing. 🫶🏻
What an incisive distillation of the work Orna does! The 2 questions seem very simple, but actually are so difficult to think through and continue to think through because the reality is in any relationship multiple issues will come up at different times, or you were OK staying in for a few months but now it's bothering you again and you repeat the cycle. I love the show Couples Therapy and over time have noticed that a lot of what Orna says in any particular clip is "Say more" or a variation on it ("Meaning..." "And that would be..." "Explain...") There is a new season coming out May 31st!
Loved the insight! Being in multiple toxic relationships, I’ve definitely learned about change and growing together. Adding the show to my watch list too!
Compromise is the key to any successful relationship. If neither side is willing to compromise, then there will never be a successful relationship between them.
i've heard so many good things about this show incl from my sister, and actually just saw a TV ad for it the other day, so clearly everything is telling me to watch it! while i'm not in the therapist realm myself, i have a deep fascination with other people's relationship dynamics, either my friends, from reddit stories or fictional - something about how it often seems so instantly clear how to work on an issue, or when to give up from the outside, but of course when it involves you, it's so much more difficult.
GREAT insight. I was married, very unhappily, for 23 years. (24 but that last year we were separated). We did couple's therapy over the years with 4 different therapists. In all of these sessions I stated clearly three things I needed my husband to change in order for me to keep working at the marriage. (Small things like eye contact, occasional affection, and allowing me to speak...) In every session he insisted that he was already great at these things and that I was just 'making it up.' Sigh. Not once did he acknowledge the existence of any problems. He clearly had zero desire to change anything. I kept believing that somehow, some way, he would change as time went on. I finally stepped away after 23 years, as I realized he did not want to change or grow or be a better husband (or person). I had truly hoped to grow old with this man. But there are times when you simply have to step away. I had no idea how deeply unhappy I had been until I'd been out of it for a year or two. Whew. I finally valued myself enough to do what was right for ME.
Thank you so much for sharing this!! I'm so glad you got out! xoxo A
dear allison,
another great piece! i love this:
"the thing is, aside from relationships with abuse of any kind, almost any marriage can be 'saved' based on partners’ answers to the following two questions:
Can I accept you as you are?
Am I willing to change?"
beautiful, simple, powerful.
reminds me of maybe my favorite shunryu suzuki quote: 'Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement.'
love it, love you, thanks for sharing!
love
myq
Thank you Myq!!
It might not have been the intention of this post - but boy, is this good advertising for your upcoming book! If it is anywhere as aware, insightful and well written as this post right here, it is definitely worth reading.
omg you've made my day!! Thank you!
I haven’t heard of the show — maybe it’s not in the UK and I haven’t lived in the US for over a decade (I’m British American) — but what an insightful post. My first husband left me in what seemed out of the blue but I realise years later he did me a favour. The foundations of our relationship were not solid and it allowed me to find my second husband who is an absolute gem and life with him feels joyful and fun, filled with love and laughter. And he meets my needs in ways I couldn’t have articulated. We haven’t ever needed couples therapy — I’m a big believer in therapy and see my therapist regularly — but if we do I’ll make sure to address these questions. Thanks for sharing. 🫶🏻
I'm so glad it was relatable! And that you found a much more compatible partner!
What an incisive distillation of the work Orna does! The 2 questions seem very simple, but actually are so difficult to think through and continue to think through because the reality is in any relationship multiple issues will come up at different times, or you were OK staying in for a few months but now it's bothering you again and you repeat the cycle. I love the show Couples Therapy and over time have noticed that a lot of what Orna says in any particular clip is "Say more" or a variation on it ("Meaning..." "And that would be..." "Explain...") There is a new season coming out May 31st!
So true that sometimes it will seem acceptable and some times...not so much! Can't wait for the new season!
Thanks for sharing! And just preordered your new book!
thank you so so much!!
Loved the insight! Being in multiple toxic relationships, I’ve definitely learned about change and growing together. Adding the show to my watch list too!
It's the best!!
Compromise is the key to any successful relationship. If neither side is willing to compromise, then there will never be a successful relationship between them.
100%!! Unless you somehow marry yourself!
i've heard so many good things about this show incl from my sister, and actually just saw a TV ad for it the other day, so clearly everything is telling me to watch it! while i'm not in the therapist realm myself, i have a deep fascination with other people's relationship dynamics, either my friends, from reddit stories or fictional - something about how it often seems so instantly clear how to work on an issue, or when to give up from the outside, but of course when it involves you, it's so much more difficult.
totally! always easier to give advice than to follow it!
ooo so good. thank you for sharing!
Thanks for reading!!
yes!! that empathy piece is vital all relationships! Thanks for sharing!!