THINGS I DON’T UNDERSTAND ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE

(And Why I’m Learning To Let It Go)

I operate in the world in a rather specific way. I have my systems and my rituals and the way I think things should be done. And when I see anyone operating in a different way than what I have deemed “best” it can be confusing and frustrating. It can suddenly make a person I think I know well feel like a stranger. And it can make strangers feel like a full-blown mystery. Like, why are you doing that???

Obviously, the impulse to scream “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!” applies to real issues like racism and sexism and Republicanism. But putting those atrocities aside, I’ve noticed that smaller, morally neutral differences have also caused me to have a big reaction where I am left scratching my head, feeling completely disconnected from the person across from me.

These differences include but are not limited to:

·      Making your Venmo requests public when you can easily just make them private. Why do you want random people seeing who you are exchanging money with? Is it for the goof? Do people do it for the “comedy?” Because it is not really funny (to me).

·      Not speeding up (if you are physically able) when a car is waiting for you to cross the street. Don’t you feel guilty that you are making this person wait? Isn’t it kinder to show that you are aware they are waiting for you and therefore you will try to make it less of a wait? Even if you are only pretending to jog?

·      Thinking that things need to be “hard” to be worth it. I personally prefer when things are easy! Why do I have to suffer for the sake of suffering?

·      Caring about grammar. I get why grammar exists, but I don’t understand why people get so upset or judgmental when something is misspelled or incorrect. Who cares?

·      Not prioritizing being on time. I understand that sometimes people run late and things happen, but some people don’t even try to be on time and that blows my mind! (Please note: not caring to try is different to me than struggling to be on time due to neurodivergence.)

·      Not being polite unless someone has given you a reason not to be polite. I must say hello, thank you or I like your nails multiple times a day (when I leave the house). But then I see people who don’t even hold the door open for the person behind them! Wild!

·      Not liking animals. There are people out there that will walk by a dog and not exclaim, “Oh my god, look at that fluffer!!” How is this possible?

·      Giving a shit about fashion “rules.” You want to wear white after Labor Day? Be my guest! You want to wear sneakers with your suit so your feet don’t hurt? Sounds like a smart idea to me!

·      Not responding to someone’s text for days. Isn’t that text burning a hole in your pocket? Don’t you worry the other person will feel ignored? Who doesn’t have time to at least send an emoji??? (Same note about neurodivergence here as well!)

·      Not feeling guilty about eating animals. Now I am no saint. I ate poultry and fish for multiple years and I’m now just a vegetarian—not a vegan. But I feel guilty about that! I hate that I partake in animal products, and I wish I didn’t. Other people though? Doesn’t seem to bother them in the slightest! They can watch a bunch of adorable pig videos on Instagram and then chow down on bacon without a second thought. How can you love the pig and eat the pig???

·      People who go in the ocean even when it’s freezing. How?

Now the thing about my list is that many (or most) of you probably disagree with it. You either do some of the things I’ve mentioned or you could care less whether someone idly crosses the street. Some of the most important people in my life do a bunch of this stuff! And for a long time, it would get me riled up. Because I (falsely) believed that my way was the right way. The better way.

But all I’ve really established during my 34 years on Earth is the right way for me to operate. I like being polite and on time so I prioritize those things. I’m obsessed with dogs so I make sure I point out every single one. And I care more about being comfortable than fashionable, so I let myself break societal norms to do that. Other people don’t have those same interests or instincts so to expect them to behave in the same way is unfair and misguided.

I’ll be honest. I will never truly understand why someone would stop dating another person because they used “their” instead of “they’re” because I am not in their brain. I clearly do not see (or read) the world the way that they do. But that doesn’t mean I need to judge them. There are plenty of big-ticket items that deserve judgement (like those isms I mentioned before). But the little stuff? The everyday differences? That stuff doesn’t really matter. And the less I let it get to me, the less time I spend feeling confused or frustrated.

One of the greatest assets when it comes to my interpersonal skills is learning how to say, “let’s agree to disagree” and actually meaning it. I’m not trying to convince you to make your Venmo private and you’re not trying to convince me to eat ribs. We can be mysterious or confounding to each other without pissing each other off for merely existing.

I will never stop noticing when people operate differently than me. But I don’t have to go any further than that. I can just learn to say, “huh,” and continue my business of running across the street, waving hello at strangers and arriving on time. And if you have thoughts about all that, it might help to learn how to say, “huh,” too.

xoxo,

Allison

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