THINGS I’VE LEARNED (FROM MY KNEE SURGERY)
The other day I was sitting on the exercise bike at physical therapy. I’d been on the bike for a few sessions but hadn’t yet made a full rotation with my right leg. Instead, I’d simply been going backward and forward until I met a level of resistance I’d describe as uncomfortable/mentally scary. On this particular day, my PT set me up with a five-minute timer, told me it would be easier to go backward and walked away. I sat on the bike and thought “I’m not ready to make a full rotation.” A few seconds later, I braced myself and felt my legs make a full circle going backwards. My inner voice exploded in celebration. Making a full rotation was a major target since I had surgery. And here I was making a full rotation going backward. I thought, “This is great! This is enough. Maybe I’ll be able to make a full rotation going forward at my next session.” Cut to a few more seconds later and I was watching in astonishment as my legs made a full rotation going forward. I was blown away! I had accomplished something I thought I wasn’t able to do. But by giving myself the space to try without any judgment or pressure, I had succeeded in my goal—ahead of schedule.
As my internal celebration continued, it occurred to me how much my recovery has taught me about not only the human body but life in general. For the last few months, I feel like I have been a walking (okay, more like hobbling) metaphor for what it means to be alive. And here are some of my biggest takeaways:
Sometimes You Need to Relearn Things (And That’s OK)
After seven weeks in a knee brace that kept my leg completely straight, I no longer know how to walk properly. At first it seemed wild to me that my body wouldn’t naturally remember how to bend and move correctly, and I felt annoyed that something that used to come so naturally now requires a lot of conscious effort to do imperfectly. But then I realized that my knee has been through quite a bit, and it makes sense that it doesn’t work the same as it did before. I need to give myself compassion as I relearn to walk, not judgment. It’s been a reminder that sometimes we lose skills we once had but that doesn’t mean they are gone forever. We just have to work to regain them.
You Can Handle WAY More Than You Think You Can
I have always had a very low pain tolerance. If my clothes are irritating my skin in any way, I immediately change. My inability to handle discomfort has always made me worried about ever needing emergency medical care or going through a pregnancy/labor. But then I had knee surgery and the pain was ENORMOUS and I handled it. I might not have liked it, but it didn’t break me. In fact, I continued to live my life. I stood up to go to the bathroom even when standing up was excruciating. I showered regularly despite the fear and pain involved in what used to be an easy activity. And I managed to sleep enough to heal. I never want to return to that level of pain again, but now I have evidence that if I have to, I will be okay. And that is a huge relief.
You Might Not Notice How Much You’ve Changed (But Other People Will)
A few weeks ago, I felt relatively stagnant in my recovery. I’d already hit a bunch of big milestones but didn’t feel like I was continuing to progress. It was only when other people mentioned that I seemed to be doing so much better that I started to take notice of the smaller changes. I was walking faster and able to sit with my knee bent for longer. Being with myself all day every day made it difficult to recognize these gradual improvements. But they were all still happening behind the scenes. And it was a wonderful reminder of the importance of feedback from people who have been supporting you on your journey and have a different perspective.
Don’t Make Things Harder Than They Have To Be
While my recovery--especially at the beginning--was much rougher than I had expected, I am proud of myself for how I handled it. I allowed myself to ask for all the help I needed, I didn’t push myself past my limits and I refused to bring myself down mentally when I was already down physically. By being patient with myself and trusting that I would heal, I was able to navigate a tough time with grace (even if there were quite a few tears). Refusing help, having unrealistic expectations for myself, or adopting a negative attitude would have only made an already hard time unnecessarily harder. And there was no reason to do that to myself.
We Forget The Worst Parts
It’s often said that people who give birth forget how bad labor actually is in order to be able to give birth again. While I haven’t given birth, I’m less than three months out from my surgery and I am already losing my grip on how truly terrible those first two weeks were. I vaguely remember they were awful, but my memories aren’t visceral anymore. On the one hand, I find this annoying because I want to be able to wax poetic about what I’ve been through. But on the more important hand, it’s a lovely example of human resiliency. Our brains protect us so that we can keep forging ahead. If I had accurately remembered how horrible knee surgery is from when I had it on my left leg at age 17, there is no way I would have gotten it again. I would have been too afraid. But luckily, I forgot, and now both my knees are fixed. Huge win for me!
My final big takeaway is a bit harder to sum up in one snappy sentence, but I’m still going to try to explain it. Going into this surgery I worried that I didn’t need it and I was bringing hardship onto myself and my loved ones for no good reason. While it was medically recommended given my patella’s instability it wasn’t like doctors were calling me up and saying, “You have to do this to save your life!” It was more like, “This is a good option to prevent further damage and so you can play tennis again.” I felt like maybe I was being selfish or overdramatic for going through with it. But then I think about the mental toll of being worried every single day that I was going to collapse. For the entire year between my dislocation and the surgery, I was afraid it was going to happen again. (And it basically did in the form of two subluxations, which aren’t as serious but still super painful.) Now, my knee is stiff and it hurts and I can’t walk correctly but I am far happier than I was before because my mind isn’t filled with constant worry. I no longer fear that I will collapse at any moment and the peace of mind that gives me has 100% been worth the months of physical pain.
This difficult experience has not only proven my own strength, but also the importance of valuing our mental health above all else--even when it seems silly or indulgent. And having proof of that has changed my perspective for the better. I am a different person following this surgery and not just in my right leg.
xoxo,
Allison