The other day my boyfriend helped me bathe for the first time. It wasn’t in a fun way. It was in a “I’m recovering from major knee surgery and can’t bathe myself safely” kind of way. As I sat on a shower chair asking to be passed my shampoo, with my right leg aching in a plastic bag, I thought, “Wow, this is intimate. And terrifying.” For the first week after my surgery my parents had stayed with us, and my mom was able to take on the less glamorous tasks like changing my pants and attending to my wounds. But once they left it was just me and John and my vulnerability/helplessness had nowhere to hide. For the next few weeks, John is not just my partner but my caregiver. It is the first time in our relationship that we’ve had such a dramatic shift in our power dynamic. And I am worried that it will ruin us.
Allison, this is so beautifully and honestly written. Thank you so much for sharing this with us - it's so relatable and so helpful to know others navigate these sorts of insecurities as well. Thank you for continually offering these examples of courage in the face of self-doubt, also. You really inspire me to be more honest and open about things, and to keep pushing forward through fear of rejection. I can't wait for your book to come out, and I hope your recovery is as quick and straightforward as possible.
This was so wonderful to read, even though I do feel very bad that you are in so much pain at the moment! I was recently sick for about 3 weeks where my partner of only 1 and a half years had to do EVERYTHING for me including emptying my vomit bowl several times a day and brushing my hair. I was too sick to be more than slightly embarrassed at the time, but it's really brought us closer to have had to rely on him in that way. And now he is recovering from a non-serious but painful back injury and I'm the one tying his shoe laces and carrying all the groceries. Your writing really helps me to understand that these anxieties in relationships are normal, maybe especially for people who have OCD like me. It helps me realize that these feelings are OK and not necessarily an indication that anything bad is going to actually happen.
What a beautifully vulnerable and honest post. My last partner and I didn’t work out, but he was my caregiver for two weeks after a mouth surgery. Not as intense as major knew surgery, but I really felt that time brought us wayyy closer (in a good way!) For me, if a partner cannot handle the real-life aspects of a relationship, they will be hard pressed to find anyone long-term.
But hey, after just listening to your podcast with John, something tells me you two will be even better from this. 💗
“We risk a lot when we let someone get close to us. But we risk even more when we don’t.” —My amazing talented poetic courageous girlboss idol Allison R. Thanks for sharing this with us 🥺
Hi Allison! I hope you recover soon. I found this a really interesting read, because I certainly relate to feeling guilty when I need my partner to look after me. But the conversation around intimacy and care giving reminded me of my parents and their almost opposite view. My Dad has UC and my parents were fairly new in their relationship when it initially began. While he now leads a mostly normal life, the few small daily care tasks that came with it are almost always done together (even though my Dad can definitely do it on his own). My parents use it as an opportunity to be intimate, close and express their love. My Mom often talks about how their experience of going through this really difficult and scary thing and being there for each other early on, really strengthened their relationship. I see how their outlook/perspective on daily care tasks changes the way those tasks impacts their lives. (Also, it's interesting to consider how gender roles and societal expectations may play a role in these dynamics.) Thanks for sharing your experience!
Allison, I hope you feel better soon. I had hand surgery a week or so ago (on my dominant hand) and I know the feeling of dependence on your partner. We also just got covid 🙃. I can't even change my baby's diaper or cook or really do anything. It's humbling and a nice reminder of how my partner loves me no matter what.
Allison, this is so beautifully and honestly written. Thank you so much for sharing this with us - it's so relatable and so helpful to know others navigate these sorts of insecurities as well. Thank you for continually offering these examples of courage in the face of self-doubt, also. You really inspire me to be more honest and open about things, and to keep pushing forward through fear of rejection. I can't wait for your book to come out, and I hope your recovery is as quick and straightforward as possible.
This was so wonderful to read, even though I do feel very bad that you are in so much pain at the moment! I was recently sick for about 3 weeks where my partner of only 1 and a half years had to do EVERYTHING for me including emptying my vomit bowl several times a day and brushing my hair. I was too sick to be more than slightly embarrassed at the time, but it's really brought us closer to have had to rely on him in that way. And now he is recovering from a non-serious but painful back injury and I'm the one tying his shoe laces and carrying all the groceries. Your writing really helps me to understand that these anxieties in relationships are normal, maybe especially for people who have OCD like me. It helps me realize that these feelings are OK and not necessarily an indication that anything bad is going to actually happen.
What a beautifully vulnerable and honest post. My last partner and I didn’t work out, but he was my caregiver for two weeks after a mouth surgery. Not as intense as major knew surgery, but I really felt that time brought us wayyy closer (in a good way!) For me, if a partner cannot handle the real-life aspects of a relationship, they will be hard pressed to find anyone long-term.
But hey, after just listening to your podcast with John, something tells me you two will be even better from this. 💗
“We risk a lot when we let someone get close to us. But we risk even more when we don’t.” —My amazing talented poetic courageous girlboss idol Allison R. Thanks for sharing this with us 🥺
Hi Allison! I hope you recover soon. I found this a really interesting read, because I certainly relate to feeling guilty when I need my partner to look after me. But the conversation around intimacy and care giving reminded me of my parents and their almost opposite view. My Dad has UC and my parents were fairly new in their relationship when it initially began. While he now leads a mostly normal life, the few small daily care tasks that came with it are almost always done together (even though my Dad can definitely do it on his own). My parents use it as an opportunity to be intimate, close and express their love. My Mom often talks about how their experience of going through this really difficult and scary thing and being there for each other early on, really strengthened their relationship. I see how their outlook/perspective on daily care tasks changes the way those tasks impacts their lives. (Also, it's interesting to consider how gender roles and societal expectations may play a role in these dynamics.) Thanks for sharing your experience!
Allison, I hope you feel better soon. I had hand surgery a week or so ago (on my dominant hand) and I know the feeling of dependence on your partner. We also just got covid 🙃. I can't even change my baby's diaper or cook or really do anything. It's humbling and a nice reminder of how my partner loves me no matter what.