If you’re reading this post or subscribed to my Substack, there is a pretty good chance that you have 1) gone to therapy, 2) wanted to go to therapy or 3) suggested someone you know go to therapy.
I have stayed with the first therapist I found when looking to start therapy earlier this year! I have sometimes wondered if I could find a better therapist than the one I have now, but there are many ways I think my therapist is a really good fit for me.
1) I trust her and it is clear that she cares about me. She visibly shows empathy and compassion during our sessions, which not only helps me validate my feelings to myself but it is also incredibly healing for me to experience that kind of response.
2) She asks questions to help me pin point the thoughts/feelings we discuss. I often struggle to articulate how I'm feeling/what I'm thinking, and she has a lot of patience while I figure it out.
3) I can be a bit of an emotion-bulldozer, and she helps me slow down and acknowledge/be curious about my emotions as they come up.
4) She has provided new insights that help me understand myself better and have more self-compassion.
5) She provides helpful resources and is proactive in protecting my safety/well-being in the tricky circumstances I am trying to navigate in my life right now.
Knowing I am inclined to perfectionism, reminding myself of how bad therapy can be and the ways my therapist has helped me is a good practice (that I should do more often). Loved this post and the journal/comment prompt!!! ☺️
Bad therapy experiences put me off therapy until I was 30 or so. I had a particularly horrendous experience with a family therapist when I was trying to stage an intervention for a parent (which was absolutely necessary), and was basically told that their struggles were in part due to my "decisions and behavioral issues". I was 18 years old. My family member was a gifted narcissist who had the therapist fooled. From that moment on, I didn't trust therapists at all.
I have a wonderful therapist now, and I should have been in therapy long before my 30s, but better late than never. It's just difficult for people who don't have any previous experience with it to know. I'm passing this onto therapy resistant friends and family, thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I fear it is more common than we realize...So glad you didn't give up and have found a good relationship! xoxo, A
It took me having a fantastic therapist to realising how unhelpful my previous therapist was (who I stuck with for 1.5 years). She repeatedly told me I should go to church or pray (I’m not religious and was explicit about that) and also kept saying I needed to ‘settle down somewhere’ even though at the time I had not voiced that urge and was adamantly not looking to settle down.
She also only ever talked if I talked (which I know is a form of therapy but… it sucked for me lol)
My first therapist ever was super unhelpful. He was Old School and told me I had bipolar because I became "irritable" when I was depressed. He graduated me from therapy with the comment "You're the healthiest patient" he'd seen or something like that - six months after release from inpatient. Because I didn't feel safe with him my fawn response lit up and I just told him what he wanted to hear and he bought it. I had no idea that's what I was doing at the time. Oof. I've had a few talk therapy counsellors (supposedly we were doing CBT?) and to be honest none of them seemed great. Not bad or harmful but not necessarily helpful either. I definitely benefit from structured modalities - EMDR/IFS have been the best for me.
I'm very thankful I have an amazing therapist who is a good fit for me but I found it really helpful and interesting to read these red flags – if only to realise further that my therapist is doing it right. Heh! Thanks for sharing.
Thankful for you putting this article together! I learned so much and its brought up memories of a couple of terrible therapists I have had in the past.
This is a super helpful resource and an interesting read! I can relate to some points but am thankful to be working with somebody brilliant now. It isn’t easy but the payoff is huge
Even now, having had lots of therapy and gotten a Masters to become a therapist (though choosing not to be one) and doing lots of work directly with therapists, I still find it really challenging to figure out how to choose a therapist for myself. I go with a combination of things I think will work for me, gut instinct, and a bit of faith in the process. But it's tough and it's something I wish I knew better when I first started therapy because my first therapist was truly terrible/harmful and I didn't know that I could choose differently.
The more we talk about this, the more therapy improves for everyone.
Thank you so much for sharing the struggle. It's definitely not a clear cut situation but I hope these conversations make it a bit easier. Sending love, A
I don't know how I missed this. I need to start reading my email - very happy I decided to read through your SubStack while waiting for my wash to finish
i've heard it said (and it feels true to me) that the therapist/client relationship is indeed a RELATIONSHIP, and like romantic relationships, there might be potential partners out there who are not at all right for us, though they might be right for others. and there might be potential partners who are fine for us at a time but not perfect, and of course others (as you have outlined here) that we ought cut ties with immediately.
i hope everyone who wants and needs finds the helpful therapist they deserve that fits as perfectly as possible! and while i'm hoping, i hope everyone finds the perfect romantic relationship if they want one, and the best friends and other support system components, and also world peace and an end to suffering for all sentient beings. (i truly hope for all these things. i understand these may be lofty hopes. i'm a lofty hoper!)
I'm so sorry this has been your experience. I would recommend checking out Zac Seidler's work because he is focused on making therapy better for men and might be helpful: https://www.zacseidler.com/
Not me reporting my last therapist because of this article.
Love that!!
I once had a talk space therapist tell me that you can't have both anxiety and depression, how I wish that were true
oooooh boyyy! That is literally one of the most common comorbidities. Glad you aren't seeing them anymore!!
I have stayed with the first therapist I found when looking to start therapy earlier this year! I have sometimes wondered if I could find a better therapist than the one I have now, but there are many ways I think my therapist is a really good fit for me.
1) I trust her and it is clear that she cares about me. She visibly shows empathy and compassion during our sessions, which not only helps me validate my feelings to myself but it is also incredibly healing for me to experience that kind of response.
2) She asks questions to help me pin point the thoughts/feelings we discuss. I often struggle to articulate how I'm feeling/what I'm thinking, and she has a lot of patience while I figure it out.
3) I can be a bit of an emotion-bulldozer, and she helps me slow down and acknowledge/be curious about my emotions as they come up.
4) She has provided new insights that help me understand myself better and have more self-compassion.
5) She provides helpful resources and is proactive in protecting my safety/well-being in the tricky circumstances I am trying to navigate in my life right now.
Knowing I am inclined to perfectionism, reminding myself of how bad therapy can be and the ways my therapist has helped me is a good practice (that I should do more often). Loved this post and the journal/comment prompt!!! ☺️
Thank you SO much for sharing this!! it seems like you two are building a great relationship! Sending love, A
Bad therapy experiences put me off therapy until I was 30 or so. I had a particularly horrendous experience with a family therapist when I was trying to stage an intervention for a parent (which was absolutely necessary), and was basically told that their struggles were in part due to my "decisions and behavioral issues". I was 18 years old. My family member was a gifted narcissist who had the therapist fooled. From that moment on, I didn't trust therapists at all.
I have a wonderful therapist now, and I should have been in therapy long before my 30s, but better late than never. It's just difficult for people who don't have any previous experience with it to know. I'm passing this onto therapy resistant friends and family, thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I fear it is more common than we realize...So glad you didn't give up and have found a good relationship! xoxo, A
It took me having a fantastic therapist to realising how unhelpful my previous therapist was (who I stuck with for 1.5 years). She repeatedly told me I should go to church or pray (I’m not religious and was explicit about that) and also kept saying I needed to ‘settle down somewhere’ even though at the time I had not voiced that urge and was adamantly not looking to settle down.
She also only ever talked if I talked (which I know is a form of therapy but… it sucked for me lol)
omg. this sounds horrifying. So glad you have a good one now!!
My first therapist ever was super unhelpful. He was Old School and told me I had bipolar because I became "irritable" when I was depressed. He graduated me from therapy with the comment "You're the healthiest patient" he'd seen or something like that - six months after release from inpatient. Because I didn't feel safe with him my fawn response lit up and I just told him what he wanted to hear and he bought it. I had no idea that's what I was doing at the time. Oof. I've had a few talk therapy counsellors (supposedly we were doing CBT?) and to be honest none of them seemed great. Not bad or harmful but not necessarily helpful either. I definitely benefit from structured modalities - EMDR/IFS have been the best for me.
I'm so glad you're finding what works for you! Even if you had to go through all that bs first! Sending love, A
I'm very thankful I have an amazing therapist who is a good fit for me but I found it really helpful and interesting to read these red flags – if only to realise further that my therapist is doing it right. Heh! Thanks for sharing.
Appreciating you have a good one is huge! And helps the process imho!
Thankful for you putting this article together! I learned so much and its brought up memories of a couple of terrible therapists I have had in the past.
I'm so glad it was helpful!!
Finding a good therapist is like finding a good partner, sometimes it takes several tries and a few bad eggs.
Totally!
This is a super helpful resource and an interesting read! I can relate to some points but am thankful to be working with somebody brilliant now. It isn’t easy but the payoff is huge
I'm so glad it was helpful!! xoxo A
Thank you for this critical conversation.
Even now, having had lots of therapy and gotten a Masters to become a therapist (though choosing not to be one) and doing lots of work directly with therapists, I still find it really challenging to figure out how to choose a therapist for myself. I go with a combination of things I think will work for me, gut instinct, and a bit of faith in the process. But it's tough and it's something I wish I knew better when I first started therapy because my first therapist was truly terrible/harmful and I didn't know that I could choose differently.
The more we talk about this, the more therapy improves for everyone.
Thank you so much for sharing the struggle. It's definitely not a clear cut situation but I hope these conversations make it a bit easier. Sending love, A
I don't know how I missed this. I need to start reading my email - very happy I decided to read through your SubStack while waiting for my wash to finish
I am a therapist and so appreciate this very thoughtful post. Therapy should always make you feel seen, heard and respected-at the very, very least.
dear allison,
thank you for sharing this!
i've heard it said (and it feels true to me) that the therapist/client relationship is indeed a RELATIONSHIP, and like romantic relationships, there might be potential partners out there who are not at all right for us, though they might be right for others. and there might be potential partners who are fine for us at a time but not perfect, and of course others (as you have outlined here) that we ought cut ties with immediately.
i hope everyone who wants and needs finds the helpful therapist they deserve that fits as perfectly as possible! and while i'm hoping, i hope everyone finds the perfect romantic relationship if they want one, and the best friends and other support system components, and also world peace and an end to suffering for all sentient beings. (i truly hope for all these things. i understand these may be lofty hopes. i'm a lofty hoper!)
thanks again for sharing, my friend
love
myq
I'm so sorry this has been your experience. I would recommend checking out Zac Seidler's work because he is focused on making therapy better for men and might be helpful: https://www.zacseidler.com/
wow. that is very bad behavior. So glad you got yourself out of that situation!!