What Does It Mean To Leave Therapy?

Ask Allison!

Hi Allison!! 

Thank you for all of the work you do and the advice you share. I’ve written in once before but watched/listened/read for a long time! 

I have been in therapy for 5 years now. Most of college and all of my adult life, I’ve been with one therapist and I’ve grown so much. I started in trauma therapy and then we moved into general therapy for the last 6-8 months. I really like going, and I also understand logically that I’ve moved to a place where it’s not something I need and instead is something I want. I’m no longer sharing big struggles that have capsized my life. I’m sharing hard things that I worked through on my own and in the ways we worked on. 

My therapist has brought up what it would mean if I stop going to therapy. Both times have been really sad and scary for me. The second time I understood more what she was saying, and I hear her telling me that I am thriving and really in a place to spread my wings. 

As I keep thinking about what I want to do moving forward, I wanted to ask about what leaving therapy, changing frequency or changing goals has been like in your life. How did you know it was time to make a shift? Also why does it seem impossibly sad?

Thank you, 

Claire

Dear Claire,

Before I dive in, I think I have to acknowledge my bias by sharing something radical.

Despite being a mental health advocate who has been in and out of treatment since I was four years old, I hate going to therapy.

So when I initially read your email, I found your situation a bit confounding because I have always loved leaving therapy. That’s when I had to take a step back and remember (for about the billionth time) we do not all experience the world the same way. The question then becomes, what about my personal experience and professional insight would be helpful for someone with a completely different relationship to therapy than me?

To start, I should probably share why I:

1)    Hate going to therapy.

2)    Still think therapy is an incredible resource that has greatly improved my life and the lives of many.

Unlike a lot of people who discover therapy as a college student or full-fledged adult and view it as an option that they can voluntarily opt into, I was forced to go to therapy as a kid. And while this was 1000% the right decision on my parents’ part, it did create a situation where I see therapy as a burden. Even when I want it, even when I desperately need it, there is always a part of me that views it as homework.

As a result of this fraught relationship, I am always looking for an end date. A time when I feel safe and stable enough to venture back out on my own and not have to rack my brain for things to say for 50 minutes a week or, based on how my life is going, brace myself to cry for that same amount of time. While there have been times in my life when knowing I am in therapy has brought me extreme comfort, the comfort is often replaced by agitation as I start to feel better.

I’ll admit that I am even a bit jealous of your reluctance to leave and the fact that you do not seem to want to avoid the tough work of being in treatment. (Something I am definitely guilty of!)

But sometimes, leaving therapy, even if only temporarily, is the next part of the hard work.

One of the things I was surprised to learn in my master’s program after years of long-term treatment is that most therapy is designed to end. (With some exceptions, including people with severe and chronic mental illness.) The aim is not to teach you how to live a life with therapy, but how to live life using all the tools you’ve learned in therapy.

Considering your therapist was the one to suggest ending or winding down treatment, I wonder if she thinks it would be helpful for you to have proof that you know how to flourish without her. Sometimes we don’t know what we are capable of until we are actively doing it. (Like when I had to write an entire first draft of a book in only four months or put out a fire in my microwave VERY efficiently.)

I think it might also be helpful to sit down and try to parse out why leaving therapy at this stage feels so scary and sad, so you have some sense of your feelings and what to do about them.

Below are some possibilities that may or may not ring true for why leaving doesn’t feel right just yet:

Have you gotten in the habit of not processing feelings or problems until you are in session? I know there have been times in my life when things feel so overwhelming, I got into the practice of telling myself—I’ll deal with that later in therapy. Would it help the transition process to start to address those things on your own and then review how that went with your therapist?

Are you worried about losing a specific and sacred time each week that’s only purpose is to care for yourself? (Makes lots of sense if so!) Maybe you can find a way to hold onto that time and fill it with something just for you. That can look like spending an hour each week journaling or going for a long walk. But I would recommend keeping the time as yours instead of letting it get swallowed up with other obligations.

Are you sad to lose the personal connection you have with your therapist? While so many people love to remind us that our therapists only listen because we pay them, the reality is that we are all human beings and true connections can be formed through the therapeutic relationship. After years of seeing someone weekly, not seeing them will feel like a loss because that’s what it is. One of the ways I have combated this grief, especially with the therapist I saw on and off for almost a decade, is to remind myself that the door is always open. You can keep in touch casually or you can restart sessions when you need to. She can remain a part of your life even if you don’t see her as frequently, and I can promise she is rooting you on from the metaphorical sidelines.

This last part brings me to what has been the most helpful point in my own journey. There is no true end to therapy if you don’t want there to be. There are just breaks.

In the last few years, I have leaned into the idea that therapy will be a constant in my life without actually being…constant. My mental health needs different things at different times. Sometimes that means doing exposure therapy for six months to help with my OCD and sometimes that means doing a few sessions of premarital therapy because I am about to get married and I want to set us both up for success.

I’ve realized the field of therapy is vast and it can be useful to try different modalities and different therapists to see what works best for you in the current moment. Or you might find that returning to the same therapist at different transition points in your life is the best way to go. Your current therapist might feel you don’t need her at this moment but that could easily change if you face a hardship, difficult decision or simply feel stuck.

As you enter this new phase, allow for the chance that you might not be ready. Check in with yourself and your internal life. You might find you want to return to regular sessions, or you might discover that monthly or bimonthly booster sessions are enough to get you over the hump. The only “right” way to go about our mental health journey is to follow what works--and sometimes that changes.

Try to remember there is no “mission accomplished” when it comes to therapy. But, there are solo missions, and it sounds like you are about to embark on one. The good news is you can always call for backup. I certainly have throughout the years.

On a personal note, I don’t know when I will be back in individual therapy. But I always leave the metaphorical door open in my mind--even if I know I’ll probably kick and scream my way through.

xoxo,

Allison

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