Thank you for this lovely piece. I am so sorry you lost your mom to CJD at age 69. I love the photo of her at her gallery two weeks before she died----she looks so happy and loved. I am 67 and like your mom, I think/ I want more time. I am also working on knowing that I'm enough; that I've done enough; that I don't have to "justify" my existence by a list of accomplishments. Not having done enough is a core belief many of us share and I'm trying to shed because in my experience, it just leads to anxiety and suffering.
You write: "Maybe some people eventually hit a point where they feel like they have had enough time and are ready to go." My mom lived to be 97 and in truth, she would have loved to have died four years earlier. She spent the last three years stuck in a nursing home bed because she kept breaking bones. At one point she said to me, "You have dogs. You wouldn't let your dogs live the way I have to live."
And it was true. I have called on vets to help my old dogs die peacefully. I felt so helpless. My mom had no terminal diagnosis; she took no medications; she "just" had an old and failing body. She wasn't a candidate for hospice. So we had to wait for her body to give out and it took a lot longer than she wanted.
Was the last four years worth the trade-off of living I think she'd say yes.
I had New Age-ish friends who insisted my mother could die when she chose to "let go," that this agency is available to all of us.
Yeah, right. Thanks for sharing!
If my mom had had a pill that she could have taken that would have shortened her life, would she have taken it? I don't know. But I wish she would have had the option. When the time comes, I'd love that option for myself. Is that a shortcut? Am I wishing for a "hack" from a necessary and "good" part of existence, i.e. dying?
Thank you so much for sharing this experience and sparking this complicated discussion. I'm so sorry your mom was in that position. I hope she now has peace and that her memory remains a blessing <3 A
Thank you for this comment, my family is currently struggling with end of life care for my grandfather due to dementia and mobility issues that make day to day tasks more difficult. This country could really use dying with dignity laws widespread, euthanasia is really a blessing for those who are really suffering with degenerative afflictions and I think advancing this conversation amongst us is so necessary to get laws to change and shift the overton window when it comes to thinking what is appropriate when it comes to dying. Blessings!
"This next period of her life was supposed to be the best, part filled with travel and grandchildren and the payoff of all her hard work. It will never be okay that she was robbed of it."
I feel this in my soul. My beloved mother died (very very unexpectedly) when she was 70. She never got to meet my son. She'll never see my brothers marry (if they do). She spent 20 YEARS of her life being the caretaker to various family members. This was supposed to be her time. And I will never ever stop being angry that she was robbed of it. Thank you for putting words to this complex grief. As someone who's a few more years removed from it--it never does get easier. But you learn to live with it not be consumed by it.
I am very moved by this, and generally, by all the content you've made since your mom's passings. May her memory be a blessing, and may you and your fam find peace through out grieving. Big hugs,
My parents are in their early 70s, and they are my favorite people aside from my partner.
A few years ago, I moved from my six-hour-away city to a little coastal town that is now a mere 3 hours from my family farm, where they reside.
I'm not sure if it is my own OCD, the stress of the crumbling empire we live in, or the bad news that fills our collective newsfeeds, but I started obsessing over the limited summers my beloved parents have left together.
I even avoided your content for a bit after Ruth's diagnosis, for fear I would obsess even more about how little time my folks have.
BUT you were so eloquently sharing your heartbreaking human experience, and for whatever it is worth, it soothed me and helped me challenge some things going on in my head and my heart.
I've found your perspective to be very helpful, and it has given me a little thread back to my own anchor in the present, which is the most important place for me to be with my folks. We had Thanksgiving dinner together yesterday so they wouldn't have to drive in the bad weather today (they are 70, after all, and it is a rural road — it was a blessing to have them sit at my table).
Anyway, thanks again for all of this, and I'm sorry for your loss, and Happy Thanksgiving
I don't know if this will help, but there is that old saying (expressed in different ways with different numbers, but you get the idea) that some of us live for four hours and others for 104 years, but we are all headed in the same direction no matter how long or short it is. I have been to funerals for everyone from a three-year-old to an 89-year-old, and while there is a vast difference in the amount years they got, the end -- it's always kind of the same. They were here and now they're not, and the world just keeps on spinning.
It sounds like your mother DID have a very full life in many ways, and I think it's probably impossible to get to the end of any reasonably long life without regrets (even if we are not supposed to ADMIT to having regrets). But what's most important, I think, is that she was aware of how loved she was. And it really is something that she got to have that photo show just a couple of weeks before she died. Overall, seems like a life very well lived!
Thank you for sharing this with us. I could relate to it so much as my dad passed away at 51 and never got to experience retirement, and will never get to see me or my brother get married or have children. It's a source of pain that unfortunately I don't think will ever go away for me.
Thank you for writing about this, and so beautifully as well - you allow us all to share in your experience. I’ve always felt a lot of parallels in some life experiences recently, especially here as I lost my mother unexpectedly this year. She was 59, but I am 24 so it feels similar but 10 years younger, so the sadness of dying young really feels so familiar. My relationship with hers was so culturally informed (we are from Sri Lanka) and so I never did the whole ‘talking to my mum about relationships’ or anything, so I missed out on the chance to have her as a friend (I spent the last few years so upset about a relationship and worried about finishing my university degree that I didn’t spend nearly enough time with her at all). I’m now in Sri Lanka, staying with family and learning about her upbringing, which gives me such an understanding that I think would have positively impacted our relationship. Luckily in the last few years, I felt our connection between being strong women, and the importance of supporting each other. I just wish I’d cherished the moments more, instead of always rushing and hoping to finish other things, seeking what I considered ‘stability’ instead of maybe enjoying the uncertainty and that I shouldn’t have been so overly cautious. There’s just so many lessons that can be learned but trying to integrate it into my life feels so difficult, and actually thinking about how things can be cut short also just worried me about decisions I’m making and what dreams I can really pursue.
Anyway, this piece was so wonderful, and in wanting to read it, I also took the time to think about my own mother (I often avoid it at times) so thank you for that.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm trying to remember that my mom will continue to impact and teach me even though she isn't physically here anymore and it sounds like you are having a similar experience. May her memory continue to be a blessing <3 a
this is beautiful. thank you for sharing. i love this:
"Her life was simultaneously well-lived and also not nearly long-enough. Given her complicated history and her affinity for holding many truths at once, this seems strangely fitting. It feels so very my mom."
Thank you for this lovely piece. I am so sorry you lost your mom to CJD at age 69. I love the photo of her at her gallery two weeks before she died----she looks so happy and loved. I am 67 and like your mom, I think/ I want more time. I am also working on knowing that I'm enough; that I've done enough; that I don't have to "justify" my existence by a list of accomplishments. Not having done enough is a core belief many of us share and I'm trying to shed because in my experience, it just leads to anxiety and suffering.
You write: "Maybe some people eventually hit a point where they feel like they have had enough time and are ready to go." My mom lived to be 97 and in truth, she would have loved to have died four years earlier. She spent the last three years stuck in a nursing home bed because she kept breaking bones. At one point she said to me, "You have dogs. You wouldn't let your dogs live the way I have to live."
And it was true. I have called on vets to help my old dogs die peacefully. I felt so helpless. My mom had no terminal diagnosis; she took no medications; she "just" had an old and failing body. She wasn't a candidate for hospice. So we had to wait for her body to give out and it took a lot longer than she wanted.
Was the last four years worth the trade-off of living I think she'd say yes.
I had New Age-ish friends who insisted my mother could die when she chose to "let go," that this agency is available to all of us.
Yeah, right. Thanks for sharing!
If my mom had had a pill that she could have taken that would have shortened her life, would she have taken it? I don't know. But I wish she would have had the option. When the time comes, I'd love that option for myself. Is that a shortcut? Am I wishing for a "hack" from a necessary and "good" part of existence, i.e. dying?
I don't know. It's complicated, isn't it?
Thank you so much for sharing this experience and sparking this complicated discussion. I'm so sorry your mom was in that position. I hope she now has peace and that her memory remains a blessing <3 A
Thank you for this comment, my family is currently struggling with end of life care for my grandfather due to dementia and mobility issues that make day to day tasks more difficult. This country could really use dying with dignity laws widespread, euthanasia is really a blessing for those who are really suffering with degenerative afflictions and I think advancing this conversation amongst us is so necessary to get laws to change and shift the overton window when it comes to thinking what is appropriate when it comes to dying. Blessings!
"This next period of her life was supposed to be the best, part filled with travel and grandchildren and the payoff of all her hard work. It will never be okay that she was robbed of it."
I feel this in my soul. My beloved mother died (very very unexpectedly) when she was 70. She never got to meet my son. She'll never see my brothers marry (if they do). She spent 20 YEARS of her life being the caretaker to various family members. This was supposed to be her time. And I will never ever stop being angry that she was robbed of it. Thank you for putting words to this complex grief. As someone who's a few more years removed from it--it never does get easier. But you learn to live with it not be consumed by it.
Sending you so much love. Your mom sounds like she was a wonderful person <3 A
Life is never as long as we wish it could be.
I am very moved by this, and generally, by all the content you've made since your mom's passings. May her memory be a blessing, and may you and your fam find peace through out grieving. Big hugs,
thank you so much <3
Thank you for sharing this!
My parents are in their early 70s, and they are my favorite people aside from my partner.
A few years ago, I moved from my six-hour-away city to a little coastal town that is now a mere 3 hours from my family farm, where they reside.
I'm not sure if it is my own OCD, the stress of the crumbling empire we live in, or the bad news that fills our collective newsfeeds, but I started obsessing over the limited summers my beloved parents have left together.
I even avoided your content for a bit after Ruth's diagnosis, for fear I would obsess even more about how little time my folks have.
BUT you were so eloquently sharing your heartbreaking human experience, and for whatever it is worth, it soothed me and helped me challenge some things going on in my head and my heart.
I've found your perspective to be very helpful, and it has given me a little thread back to my own anchor in the present, which is the most important place for me to be with my folks. We had Thanksgiving dinner together yesterday so they wouldn't have to drive in the bad weather today (they are 70, after all, and it is a rural road — it was a blessing to have them sit at my table).
Anyway, thanks again for all of this, and I'm sorry for your loss, and Happy Thanksgiving
I'm so glad to have been helpful at all. It sounds like your parents know how much you love and value them and that's the most we can ask for <3 A
I don't know if this will help, but there is that old saying (expressed in different ways with different numbers, but you get the idea) that some of us live for four hours and others for 104 years, but we are all headed in the same direction no matter how long or short it is. I have been to funerals for everyone from a three-year-old to an 89-year-old, and while there is a vast difference in the amount years they got, the end -- it's always kind of the same. They were here and now they're not, and the world just keeps on spinning.
It sounds like your mother DID have a very full life in many ways, and I think it's probably impossible to get to the end of any reasonably long life without regrets (even if we are not supposed to ADMIT to having regrets). But what's most important, I think, is that she was aware of how loved she was. And it really is something that she got to have that photo show just a couple of weeks before she died. Overall, seems like a life very well lived!
Thank you so much. I hope she felt that way even if I'll never know for sure.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I could relate to it so much as my dad passed away at 51 and never got to experience retirement, and will never get to see me or my brother get married or have children. It's a source of pain that unfortunately I don't think will ever go away for me.
I guess we just learn to live with it somehow. sending you so much love <3 A
Same to you Allison 💙
Thank you for writing about this, and so beautifully as well - you allow us all to share in your experience. I’ve always felt a lot of parallels in some life experiences recently, especially here as I lost my mother unexpectedly this year. She was 59, but I am 24 so it feels similar but 10 years younger, so the sadness of dying young really feels so familiar. My relationship with hers was so culturally informed (we are from Sri Lanka) and so I never did the whole ‘talking to my mum about relationships’ or anything, so I missed out on the chance to have her as a friend (I spent the last few years so upset about a relationship and worried about finishing my university degree that I didn’t spend nearly enough time with her at all). I’m now in Sri Lanka, staying with family and learning about her upbringing, which gives me such an understanding that I think would have positively impacted our relationship. Luckily in the last few years, I felt our connection between being strong women, and the importance of supporting each other. I just wish I’d cherished the moments more, instead of always rushing and hoping to finish other things, seeking what I considered ‘stability’ instead of maybe enjoying the uncertainty and that I shouldn’t have been so overly cautious. There’s just so many lessons that can be learned but trying to integrate it into my life feels so difficult, and actually thinking about how things can be cut short also just worried me about decisions I’m making and what dreams I can really pursue.
Anyway, this piece was so wonderful, and in wanting to read it, I also took the time to think about my own mother (I often avoid it at times) so thank you for that.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm trying to remember that my mom will continue to impact and teach me even though she isn't physically here anymore and it sounds like you are having a similar experience. May her memory continue to be a blessing <3 a
What a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing her story with us xx ♥️
Thanks so much for reading <3 A
Beautiful reflections, thank you. I too lost my mom this year and she was 69 too. Many of your words could be my own. Thank you for sharing with us.
Sending you so much love. May her memory be a blessing <3 A
Thank you for continuing to share your mum with us
Always <3
oh allison this made me cry in a good way <3
<3 <3 <3
dear allison,
this is beautiful. thank you for sharing. i love this:
"Her life was simultaneously well-lived and also not nearly long-enough. Given her complicated history and her affinity for holding many truths at once, this seems strangely fitting. It feels so very my mom."
love
myq
Thank you Myq!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful words and sentiments with us, Allison 🩷 You and your mom are a gift to this world!
Thank you for reading! xoxo A
Thank you so much for these kind words about her! It's also good to know that sometimes it does feel like we got enough time <3 A