WHY AM I LIKE THIS?

A (Forced) Exploration of My Psyche

I’m going to admit something that might get me in hot water with the mental health establishment. I’m not a huge fan of assuming that everything about you can be linked back to your childhood. Do your childhood and early caregivers significantly impact you? Absolutely. But I have always bristled at the idea that any current problem, issue or belief about yourself can be excavated and explained by something that happened before you were allowed to drive. I’ve always preferred focusing more on the “here and now” and less on what got me here.

I think part of this reluctance to dive into my early years is that I don’t really remember them. My childhood is basically a black hole with a couple of memories that have somehow stuck around, even though the edges are fuzzy. I remember more what I have been told about my childhood experiences than the actual experiences. So when people start asking me about it, my worry sets in that I will either let them down by not having an answer or end up exaggerating to fill the space. It never occurred to me that I might be able to find an explanation for my current self in the past because I feel so little ownership over it. 

But then I had what we like to call in the mental health biz a breakthrough. John and I were in the middle of couples therapy and doing a deep dive into my career obsession. In case you missed it, I’ve been struggling a lot with not feeling like a constant failure and disappointment because I haven’t had the same level of success and engagement that I had in my twenties. Through tears that I was praying wouldn’t mess up my brand new Lash Lift, I expressed my growing concern that I have simply transferred all my anxiety and fear around finding a life partner to worrying about my career. My anxiety and disappointment around my work have been near all-consuming lately and I don’t know how to fix it. I am sick of having these negative thoughts in my brain. Especially because, in many ways, they aren’t even true. (As my friends, fiancé and family love to point out!)

That’s when our therapist asked the question that normally would have pissed me off but for whatever reason opened a door. He asked if I knew why I have always been so fixated on being successful in my career. (Or something like that. I already told you I have the memory of a goldfish!) While I expected not to have a clear answer, something started to percolate for me. You see, I have been mentally ill with OCD since I was four years old. I grew up feeling crazy, out of control and unlikable. But one thing I did have in my corner is that I excelled at school and extracurricular activities. I might not have been able to get a boyfriend or maintain a healthy friendship, but I did win an American history award and got to play junior varsity tennis when I was still in middle school. As much as I mentally and emotionally struggled, there was always external validation that I was “important.”

Thinking about all this, I confessed that growing up I might have thought something akin to: “I might be insane, but at least I’m special.” And maybe that’s why I continue to be so fixated on living a huge, big, objectively successful life. Because success is what’s kept the balance. It’s what’s kept me from just being a person who struggles.

As soon as the words left my mouth, I feared I had created a false narrative. That I was just stringing together an explanation to make sense of myself. But as I sat in it, it began to feel true. It gave me some much-needed insight into what has turned into an unhealthy obsession. And it helped me see a way out. Because I’m realizing I am no longer a person who only finds success and fulfillment in her professional life. As an adult, I have been able to build myself a personal life too. But I haven’t been able to let go of the thrill of being “special.” Of other people being impressed with me and my accomplishments—even if they don’t want to hang out later. I got hooked on winning the award or getting the job or receiving heaps of praise from strangers. All of it fed my narrative that my suffering has been worth it because I am, you guessed it, special.

Now that this explanation is out in the open (regardless of whether or not it was actually true of me at age 6 or 9 or 12 or 21), I have to decide what to do with it. Do I want to continue the narrative that my life won’t matter as much if I don’t hit my career goals? That I won’t really matter without constant accolades? Or can I break free of a mindset I wasn’t even totally aware I was trapped in?  

Because what does it even mean to be special? Especially if trying to constantly grasp for it is ruining my life.

It feels strange to have a new understanding of myself after years (and years) of examining myself. And I’ll admit that sometimes this new insight doesn’t ring completely true. But I have definitely hit on something worth exploring further because it deals with an area of my life that hasn’t been working for me lately. And trying to address it solely from the “here and now” hasn’t been helping. So maybe that’s why reflecting backward can be a good option for those problems we can’t unstick using other methods. I don’t think I will be able to let go of my career obsession overnight. But now that I understand what is making me hold onto it so tightly, perhaps I can a find the right way to start loosening my grip.

xoxo,

Allison

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