I think most people remember their childhoods pretty vaguely and in relation to stories others tell. And I don’t think a narrative you tell yourself has to be objectively “true” in order for it to serve you. There are a million ways to tell the same story. Your work has helped so many people, and I really value the content you create and the way you show up in this world.
thank you for sharing this and all you do, as always. it is meaningful!
regarding "I don’t think I will be able to let go of my career obsession overnight," here is a thought i have:
in the same way that an "overnight success" actually takes a lot of incremental work, time, effort, and resources, perhaps you will let go of your career obsession "overnight" in THAT way. seems like it has already started.
As usual, get out of my head! Two things to comment on here, the "specialness compensating for mental illness" and the "everything goes back to childhood".
1. YEP. I've had to deal with multiple concussions and physical illness that has a strong component of brain fog, and the way it's affected my perception of being intelligent, having a good memory; what do I have going for me anymore? I have frequent "I feel like I'm going crazy" moments of essentially gaslighting myself because I'll think something and then it will be wrong but I KNOW I remember XYZ and no one else does, and this hurts me more than any joint pain. I feel boring, I feel dumb, and I feel crazy. It's been a really hard adjustment to be kind to myself. And a huge component of that has been addressing this rooted belief that I have been fully aware of forever but had other fish to fry.
2. This is so interesting! My best friend is the same way, she's like the past is the past I just want to deal with now, but I've always been a "but WHY" person and always start at the beginning. To me her approach is just dealing with symptoms but mine is getting at the root cause, and now I've come to appreciate you need both. I saw a cartoon recently that drove home the limitation of my approach. It was someone cheering, something like, "Yay! I've finally dealt with all my childhood trauma! Now I can deal with all the adult trauma I've accumulated since!" like... oh. right. we haven't stopped living life since we hit adulthood and that continues to impact and shape us too. just keep going. I did EMDR/reparenting that was phenomenal to finally kick my underlying self-hate to the curb, but I still need to *learn how to behave healthily instead* you know? Just because I know I was attracted to emotionally unavailable guys before because of a fearful avoidant attachment doesn't mean I can magically have a healthy relationship with someone available now that I've dug up that root.
Like Jessica, I'm a 'but why?' person. I've lost count of the number of time's I've got in a mental health pickle that initially looks like it's because something traumatic has happened recently and then turns out to be that my reaction to it was made much worse because of 'lessons' I learnt in childhood that are not serving me anymore. Looking back helps explain alot, and can help you be more self aware. But it doesn't 'solve' the present problem. That you need to do, bearing in mind that new self awareness. It's a two pronged attack on the issue at hand.
I had a really similar epiphany this weekend regarding my self worth's connection to my ability to impress other people. I'm in grad school and I'm a new couples therapist (interning) and I've been struggling with so much, but I realized that the fear of disappointing others and/or myself is keeping me in a place of constant anxiety and fear and procrastination. I have raging ADHD and I've always struggled with executive functioning, but being intelligent and a quick learner has helped me keep some level of self esteem (though at times limited af). I rely so much on feeling good based on people telling me how impressed they are (like my parents or my boyfriend) that I forgot to try to impress myself too. Now that I have so many little things going on that those people can't see, I have so much space to feel bad about myself. It doesn't matter if they're impressed I took on a challenge if I feel internally like I'm failing at the challenge.
Also, I just want to enjoy life and not worry about this stuff. Getting there! What a journey.
i often wish i had been a more consistent journaler through my life - i've got plenty of journals of half written stories about fairies and geese written in cursive orange highlighter, but how was i feeling about myself and life? i can kind of conjure general details up, and i often have very specific clear memories of random days and moments that either were or weren't that important, but i often worry i've told and re-told my own stories mentally and spiraled them out from "the truth." but in the end, would having a photographic memory of my past be that helpful? i do have scattered journal entries from teen to adult years i can look back on, but not being able to recall every detail of depressive episodes or grief or a break-up is probably for the best. i don't want to not remember anything, but i do think it might help me not get totally stuck in anxiety spirals as i sometimes have. anyways, love this breakthrough for you!
Thanks for sharing Allison, I really enjoyed reading this. ✨
Something that has helped me a lot with similar thinking recently is asking myself why am I so scared of being ordinary? Why do I get so upset at being average? What is the need to strive for perfection (or as you say, being special)?
And now I find myself being completely happy and delighted with being average and ordinary, because as we all know, there’s lots of beauty in completely ordinary things.
You know what I think is really ironic and cool? (Disclaimer: I'm a psychologist and fellow OCDer who loves both the past and the here-and-now). So much of what we talk about with OCD is about the how and, hardly ever, the WHY! And to me, it's such a shame, because, as in your experience, it can be so POWERFUL and HELPFUL.
It brought so much important context and meaning in when you and your therapists made those connections. I truly believe that psychological creativity is about making those connections and so often, with the help of a good relationship (therapy, romantic, family, they're all good!) to help us put it together. So very appreciative for you sharing this wonderful moment for all of us.
If everything is connected from childhood, I’m in trouble. I’m in later 30s and only remember if I have proof (pictures, writings, etc). That time seems so far away because I’ve done so much in the middle.
I think most people remember their childhoods pretty vaguely and in relation to stories others tell. And I don’t think a narrative you tell yourself has to be objectively “true” in order for it to serve you. There are a million ways to tell the same story. Your work has helped so many people, and I really value the content you create and the way you show up in this world.
dear allison,
thank you for sharing this and all you do, as always. it is meaningful!
regarding "I don’t think I will be able to let go of my career obsession overnight," here is a thought i have:
in the same way that an "overnight success" actually takes a lot of incremental work, time, effort, and resources, perhaps you will let go of your career obsession "overnight" in THAT way. seems like it has already started.
much love,
myq
As usual, get out of my head! Two things to comment on here, the "specialness compensating for mental illness" and the "everything goes back to childhood".
1. YEP. I've had to deal with multiple concussions and physical illness that has a strong component of brain fog, and the way it's affected my perception of being intelligent, having a good memory; what do I have going for me anymore? I have frequent "I feel like I'm going crazy" moments of essentially gaslighting myself because I'll think something and then it will be wrong but I KNOW I remember XYZ and no one else does, and this hurts me more than any joint pain. I feel boring, I feel dumb, and I feel crazy. It's been a really hard adjustment to be kind to myself. And a huge component of that has been addressing this rooted belief that I have been fully aware of forever but had other fish to fry.
2. This is so interesting! My best friend is the same way, she's like the past is the past I just want to deal with now, but I've always been a "but WHY" person and always start at the beginning. To me her approach is just dealing with symptoms but mine is getting at the root cause, and now I've come to appreciate you need both. I saw a cartoon recently that drove home the limitation of my approach. It was someone cheering, something like, "Yay! I've finally dealt with all my childhood trauma! Now I can deal with all the adult trauma I've accumulated since!" like... oh. right. we haven't stopped living life since we hit adulthood and that continues to impact and shape us too. just keep going. I did EMDR/reparenting that was phenomenal to finally kick my underlying self-hate to the curb, but I still need to *learn how to behave healthily instead* you know? Just because I know I was attracted to emotionally unavailable guys before because of a fearful avoidant attachment doesn't mean I can magically have a healthy relationship with someone available now that I've dug up that root.
Oh this feels very familiar and the narrative that I have and continued to tell myself.
Like Jessica, I'm a 'but why?' person. I've lost count of the number of time's I've got in a mental health pickle that initially looks like it's because something traumatic has happened recently and then turns out to be that my reaction to it was made much worse because of 'lessons' I learnt in childhood that are not serving me anymore. Looking back helps explain alot, and can help you be more self aware. But it doesn't 'solve' the present problem. That you need to do, bearing in mind that new self awareness. It's a two pronged attack on the issue at hand.
I had a really similar epiphany this weekend regarding my self worth's connection to my ability to impress other people. I'm in grad school and I'm a new couples therapist (interning) and I've been struggling with so much, but I realized that the fear of disappointing others and/or myself is keeping me in a place of constant anxiety and fear and procrastination. I have raging ADHD and I've always struggled with executive functioning, but being intelligent and a quick learner has helped me keep some level of self esteem (though at times limited af). I rely so much on feeling good based on people telling me how impressed they are (like my parents or my boyfriend) that I forgot to try to impress myself too. Now that I have so many little things going on that those people can't see, I have so much space to feel bad about myself. It doesn't matter if they're impressed I took on a challenge if I feel internally like I'm failing at the challenge.
Also, I just want to enjoy life and not worry about this stuff. Getting there! What a journey.
i often wish i had been a more consistent journaler through my life - i've got plenty of journals of half written stories about fairies and geese written in cursive orange highlighter, but how was i feeling about myself and life? i can kind of conjure general details up, and i often have very specific clear memories of random days and moments that either were or weren't that important, but i often worry i've told and re-told my own stories mentally and spiraled them out from "the truth." but in the end, would having a photographic memory of my past be that helpful? i do have scattered journal entries from teen to adult years i can look back on, but not being able to recall every detail of depressive episodes or grief or a break-up is probably for the best. i don't want to not remember anything, but i do think it might help me not get totally stuck in anxiety spirals as i sometimes have. anyways, love this breakthrough for you!
Congrats on your breakthrough!!!
“It’s what’s kept me from just being a person who struggles.”
Holy moly that hit hard. Thanks so much for sharing! 💜
Thanks for sharing Allison, I really enjoyed reading this. ✨
Something that has helped me a lot with similar thinking recently is asking myself why am I so scared of being ordinary? Why do I get so upset at being average? What is the need to strive for perfection (or as you say, being special)?
And now I find myself being completely happy and delighted with being average and ordinary, because as we all know, there’s lots of beauty in completely ordinary things.
Keep us updated with your journey 🩷
Hi Allison,
You know what I think is really ironic and cool? (Disclaimer: I'm a psychologist and fellow OCDer who loves both the past and the here-and-now). So much of what we talk about with OCD is about the how and, hardly ever, the WHY! And to me, it's such a shame, because, as in your experience, it can be so POWERFUL and HELPFUL.
It brought so much important context and meaning in when you and your therapists made those connections. I truly believe that psychological creativity is about making those connections and so often, with the help of a good relationship (therapy, romantic, family, they're all good!) to help us put it together. So very appreciative for you sharing this wonderful moment for all of us.
Cheers, Michael
This had me shedding some relatable tears on my lunch break. Thank you for putting these words together, because I really needed to read them!
If everything is connected from childhood, I’m in trouble. I’m in later 30s and only remember if I have proof (pictures, writings, etc). That time seems so far away because I’ve done so much in the middle.