WHY DO PEOPLE STILL GET MARRIED???

Today, my new nonfiction book I DO (I THINK): Conversations About Modern Marriage is finally being released into the world! The idea for this book came to me following my broken engagement in 2020. I had spent my entire adult life desperately trying to secure a husband/legal life partner only to realize that publicly agreeing to marry someone doesn’t mean they will actually stay.  Suddenly marriage wasn’t the safe haven that I’d always assumed would protect me from loneliness and having to take the garbage out by myself. I now viewed it was a massive risk that might end in an even messier split than my failed engagement because the government would be involved. And I’d have to fill out a lot of forms.

So why even do it? Especially considering there have been enough changes in Western society to transform marriage from a social necessity to a take-it-or-leave-it choice. Does marriage really bring with it all those magical benefits click-baity articles are always claiming it does? Or, as the two different sociologists I interviewed suggest, are married people more likely to be happier and wealthier than their non-married counterparts because happier and wealthier people are more likely to get married in the first place? Has modern marriage transformed into a classist scam that seeks to reward and uplift people who are already living with a good amount of privilege while ignoring populations who actually need more support?

The short answer that question is…kind of, yeah. As I explore in the first chapter of my book, A (Sparknotes) History of Marriage, marriage has recently become something of a class symbol rather than the universal first step of adulthood like it used to be. Many people in younger generations don’t think they are marriageable because they aren’t financially stable and/or can’t afford a huge white wedding. This means only certain people feel “ready” for marriage, which limits what type of people get to reap the social and often financial benefits of having a spouse and combining resources. It’s another unsavory trend for an institution that has a very unsavory history (e.g., marital rape was only officially recognized as a crime in all 50 states in 1993!).

Before writing this book, I actively avoided the patriarchal roots of marriage because wanting something that doesn’t align with your values is inherently uncomfortable. And I hate to be uncomfortable! But through the journey of talking to dozens of experts including financial advisors, divorce lawyers and therapists as well as real life couples, I finally confronted the nefarious sides of marriage head on. I came away from my reckoning with what I hope is a helpful take.

Basically, modern marriage is what you make it, and the good news is that there are far more options for what your marriage can look like than ever before. One of those options, obviously, is to opt out of the institution all together. But for those of us who still feel the pull, whether it be for cultural, religious or emotional reasons, it is reassuring to know we don’t need to get sucked into the harmful habits of marriages of old and instead can work toward a more equitable and rewarding future. We can create the rules of what modern marriage means to us.

How exactly can we go about doing that?

Not to give it all away, because I would really (really) like you to buy the book, but one helpful approach in reshaping modern marriage is changing how we think and talk about divorce. The current framing of divorce as a sign of failure doesn’t help anyone and isn’t even accurate. Divorce exists for a reason and having the option to peacefully end a marriage not only protects spouses, but it also allows them to grow and change. One of my biggest personal breakthroughs through my investigation was realizing that a marriage doesn’t have to last until death for it to be additive and valuable. I used to think that a bad ending—or an ending at all—overrode any good times spent together. But now I understand that simply isn’t true. The sign of a good marriage isn’t that is lasts forever. Instead, it is the role it plays in your life, even if that role eventually changes into something you don’t need or want anymore. 

I also believe that the more couples enter marriage without the harmful mindset of “we have to make it work no matter what”, the less terrifying it will be to get married in the first place. Being more open to the possibility of divorce might also help people embrace the usefulness of prenups and postnups, which are a great way to mitigate the risk of legally binding yourself to another person. Especially if one of you ever leaves the workforce and has to rely on your spouse’s income.

Modern marriage isn’t foolproof or completely safe. There are still plenty of spouses out there who will be taken advantage of in the myriad of possible ways people can take advantage of each other. But we no longer have to accept the status quo of past generations. We can start to have more thoughtful and intentional conversations about what we are expecting out of marriage before we agree to it. And if one or both partners don’t hold up their end of the deal, it is, thankfully, easier to get divorced than it was before (especially if you have one of those nifty prenups in place!).

As someone who has now been married for over a year, I can attest it was the right choice for me. Despite its sometimes heinous history as an institution, my version of marriage means something significant—especially as I navigate a new world without my mother. It has added a layer of trust and intimacy to my relationship that other people wouldn’t need a marriage license to procure. But I did, which is I am so glad I took the risk.

xoxo,

Allison

P.S. If you’re interested in learning more about the possibilities of Modern Marriage and how marriage has shaped society, I’d love for you to order a copy of the book! Other chapters include, how to navigate finances, the benefits of preventative couples therapy and whether a life of monogamy is actually feasible. Thank you so much to anyone who orders. Can’t wait to hear what you think!

P.P.S. It would mean a lot to me if you hit the like button to increase chances of engagement! Also, if you are able to upgrade to paid subscriber or share my posts with a potential reader, I would be incredibly thankful! Thank you for reading!