I am married 44 years and still going but our secret is to be: giving, understanding, compassionate, communication, respectful, and appreciative. Marriage is hard work and we "lucked out" as we both had the same needs and wants for our future. Respect and being spoiled from time to time does not hurt either. I love being married but we had same goals . Not everyone is as lucky but I will read your book as I am open to learning any new aspects I never hit upon. 44 years and still going !! ::))
As an ace person (which, duh, does not preclude me from marriage but it affects my relationship to coupling), I’m very excited to dive in to your new book and continue to de-program my brain’s silly ideas about there being only certain (better) ways to live, love, and build community. Thank you for your amazing work 🩵
I pre-ordered my copy back in September as an international reader and it is due to be delivered on the 6th of November! Very much looking forward to digging in and learning all about this marriage thing!
'Overthinking About You' was passed around my friendship group of mid-to-late-twenty year olds at various stages of dating and I'm sure 'I Do (I Think)' will be equally as useful when approaching the next stages and the questions that arise!
I live in New Zealand and the protections around partnership here are similar to those you get through marriage, so if you've been together with your partner for three years and live together, you get the benefits of a de facto marriage. It's really interesting to see many of my friends in long-term partnerships not wanting to get married or often having kids before getting married, which is definitely a trend in the US too, but here there's more policy that allow for waiting or not getting married.
Also, I think what you said about divorce is so important. My grandfather always said he was "a successful parent" because his three kids "are all married and never got divorced." It was a really toxic mindset that divorce is a failure and that he had any sort of control over whether his kids got married and stayed married.
Hello, not bragging or anything, just stating I've never been married nor engaged. So I haven't had personal experience with ceremony.
Your new book, will be fascinating due to perhaps giving reason why I haven't settled down or worried about dun dun dun marriage.
Maybe it's because my family lineage is sort of old, so I've observed marriage through past stories, and experiences from my boomer parent who I care for and visa versa.
There's been heartbreak and messy relationships from past relatives, although beside plenty of neglect, abused and so much more within my family (and their counterparts), there's also some positive stuff I guess with getting 'hitched'. I suppose a few families can be that way.
"...I came away from my reckoning with what I hope is a helpful take." - Allison Raskin.
Anyway, I am anticipating a great book and already ordered mine. This will be a stellar and informative read!
Congratulations on this book being published! Cannot wait to read it in full. I will say that this book is extra special because it contains our story. A lot has happened since you interviewed us, and there’s been so much growth since, I can easily see that there has been for you too. Marriage may not be for everyone, but it certainly is for me and my wife. Thank you for the opportunity to bring light into a story like ours.
I really do wonder why people still get married! I might be a bit cynical or biased. But as someone who has been married and divorced and who is now in a long-term, live-in relationship that feels more like my idea of marriage than my actual marriage ever felt, I can confidently say, I will probably never get married again. I mean in the sense of signing papers, etc. I honestly do not see the point. Divorce is so easy to do, which as you mentioned, is a good thing. And I don’t know if I believe anything is meant to last forever. If it does it’s beautiful. And if it doesn’t, there’s also so much to take away from the experience. I used to be angry and ashamed about getting divorced. It was like the death of an idea for me. A future I thought I knew that suddenly blew up right in front of me. But now I realize it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned and grew so much. And it taught me not to do what I think I should do or what society expects but to follow my own path, even if it’s unconventional. That said, I still love going to weddings and I am very happy for anyone who chooses the marriage root! What’s your biggest learning from the first year of marriage?
I'm so glad you wrote about marriage. It seems we're in a shifting era when so many of the structures that felt like givens are now choices. (I say this while knee-deep into an investigation of my own traditional domesticity, despite my feminist roots.) I've found, in my now 15 years of marriage, that I'd choose this partnership every day. It is alive and dynamic. It has been both grounding and an accelerator to individual growth (for both of us.) I'm fascinated by where we can go culturally if we use our institutions while breathing agency into them. I do wish we had better systems for parents, though. But that's another book.
thank you for this piece and congrats on the book!
these are great concepts:
"Does marriage really bring with it all those magical benefits click-baity articles are always claiming it does?"
"Has modern marriage transformed into a classist scam that seeks to reward and uplift people who are already living with a good amount of privilege while ignoring populations who actually need more support?"
"Not to give it all away, because I would really (really) like you to buy the book, but one helpful approach in reshaping modern marriage is changing how we think and talk about divorce. The current framing of divorce as a sign of failure doesn’t help anyone and isn’t even accurate. Divorce exists for a reason and having the option to peacefully end a marriage not only protects spouses, but it also allows them to grow and change."
I am married 44 years and still going but our secret is to be: giving, understanding, compassionate, communication, respectful, and appreciative. Marriage is hard work and we "lucked out" as we both had the same needs and wants for our future. Respect and being spoiled from time to time does not hurt either. I love being married but we had same goals . Not everyone is as lucky but I will read your book as I am open to learning any new aspects I never hit upon. 44 years and still going !! ::))
As an ace person (which, duh, does not preclude me from marriage but it affects my relationship to coupling), I’m very excited to dive in to your new book and continue to de-program my brain’s silly ideas about there being only certain (better) ways to live, love, and build community. Thank you for your amazing work 🩵
I'm so excited for you to read!! xoxo A
I pre-ordered my copy back in September as an international reader and it is due to be delivered on the 6th of November! Very much looking forward to digging in and learning all about this marriage thing!
'Overthinking About You' was passed around my friendship group of mid-to-late-twenty year olds at various stages of dating and I'm sure 'I Do (I Think)' will be equally as useful when approaching the next stages and the questions that arise!
This made me so happy to read, I immediately told my husband! Hope you enjoy this one too!!
Louis Aragon: "There is no happy love."
Denis de Rougemont': "Happy love has no history."
I think like Rougemont. There are many happy loves and marriages, but no one writes them down.
I'm going to try! xoxo A
So excited to read the book!
I live in New Zealand and the protections around partnership here are similar to those you get through marriage, so if you've been together with your partner for three years and live together, you get the benefits of a de facto marriage. It's really interesting to see many of my friends in long-term partnerships not wanting to get married or often having kids before getting married, which is definitely a trend in the US too, but here there's more policy that allow for waiting or not getting married.
Also, I think what you said about divorce is so important. My grandfather always said he was "a successful parent" because his three kids "are all married and never got divorced." It was a really toxic mindset that divorce is a failure and that he had any sort of control over whether his kids got married and stayed married.
This is so fascinating! I wonder if the US will ever make that shift...
Hello, not bragging or anything, just stating I've never been married nor engaged. So I haven't had personal experience with ceremony.
Your new book, will be fascinating due to perhaps giving reason why I haven't settled down or worried about dun dun dun marriage.
Maybe it's because my family lineage is sort of old, so I've observed marriage through past stories, and experiences from my boomer parent who I care for and visa versa.
There's been heartbreak and messy relationships from past relatives, although beside plenty of neglect, abused and so much more within my family (and their counterparts), there's also some positive stuff I guess with getting 'hitched'. I suppose a few families can be that way.
"...I came away from my reckoning with what I hope is a helpful take." - Allison Raskin.
Anyway, I am anticipating a great book and already ordered mine. This will be a stellar and informative read!
Excited to hear what you think!! Thank you for reading!! xoxo A
Congratulations on this book being published! Cannot wait to read it in full. I will say that this book is extra special because it contains our story. A lot has happened since you interviewed us, and there’s been so much growth since, I can easily see that there has been for you too. Marriage may not be for everyone, but it certainly is for me and my wife. Thank you for the opportunity to bring light into a story like ours.
Thank you so much for sharing yours with me!! xoxo A
I really do wonder why people still get married! I might be a bit cynical or biased. But as someone who has been married and divorced and who is now in a long-term, live-in relationship that feels more like my idea of marriage than my actual marriage ever felt, I can confidently say, I will probably never get married again. I mean in the sense of signing papers, etc. I honestly do not see the point. Divorce is so easy to do, which as you mentioned, is a good thing. And I don’t know if I believe anything is meant to last forever. If it does it’s beautiful. And if it doesn’t, there’s also so much to take away from the experience. I used to be angry and ashamed about getting divorced. It was like the death of an idea for me. A future I thought I knew that suddenly blew up right in front of me. But now I realize it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned and grew so much. And it taught me not to do what I think I should do or what society expects but to follow my own path, even if it’s unconventional. That said, I still love going to weddings and I am very happy for anyone who chooses the marriage root! What’s your biggest learning from the first year of marriage?
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective! I think a lot of people can relate to it!
I think my biggest takeaway is that it is the right choice for me and that is a relief!
Umm route * not root! My bad.
I'm so glad you wrote about marriage. It seems we're in a shifting era when so many of the structures that felt like givens are now choices. (I say this while knee-deep into an investigation of my own traditional domesticity, despite my feminist roots.) I've found, in my now 15 years of marriage, that I'd choose this partnership every day. It is alive and dynamic. It has been both grounding and an accelerator to individual growth (for both of us.) I'm fascinated by where we can go culturally if we use our institutions while breathing agency into them. I do wish we had better systems for parents, though. But that's another book.
I love the the idea of using "institutions while breathing agency into them"! Thank you for sharing!! xoxo A
I was thrilled to see my pre-ordered E book copy come through today and can’t wait to read it!!
yesss! Enjoy!!
dear allison,
thank you for this piece and congrats on the book!
these are great concepts:
"Does marriage really bring with it all those magical benefits click-baity articles are always claiming it does?"
"Has modern marriage transformed into a classist scam that seeks to reward and uplift people who are already living with a good amount of privilege while ignoring populations who actually need more support?"
"Not to give it all away, because I would really (really) like you to buy the book, but one helpful approach in reshaping modern marriage is changing how we think and talk about divorce. The current framing of divorce as a sign of failure doesn’t help anyone and isn’t even accurate. Divorce exists for a reason and having the option to peacefully end a marriage not only protects spouses, but it also allows them to grow and change."
thanks for sharing! everyone else, get the book!
love
myq
Thank you so much Myq!
My copy from the library finally came in and I'm very excited to read it!