WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE NICE TO YOURSELF?

I have a good friend who hates himself. As someone who loves him, it is both heartbreaking and frustrating to witness how often he puts himself down. I want to reach inside his head and change the channel so that he can suddenly see how everyone else perceives him. Maybe then he would realize that the only thing unlikable about this kind, creative and hilarious person is how he treats himself. But I can’t change his view of the world. So instead, I am stuck trying to figure out why he can’t take the leap to believe what everyone else says about him.

Here are my working hypotheses:

1. It is natural to be hard on yourself because it’s what we’ve been trained to do.

2. It is easier to always be “right” if you view yourself badly than if you view yourself positively and the human brain loves to be “right.”

3. Old habits die hard, and we can get attached to the comfort they bring even if they are harmful.

I believe that society is mostly to blame for the first hypothesis. Despite growing up with participation awards, most of the messaging millennials received is that there is a “right” way to live your life and a “wrong” way. So, if you aren’t ticking certain accomplishments off a premade list—like finding a spouse, making a lot of money or looking a certain way—you have been made to believe that you deserve to be punished for that. How else will you be motivated to change into the extremely specific type of person who deserves to be happy if you don’t hate yourself?? (This type of thinking is especially engrained if you grew up with a highly critical family or experienced certain traumatizing events that have made you repeatedly question your self-worth.)

One of the reasons it is so hard to challenge the “you probably suck” messaging is connected to hypothesis number 2. The human brain loves to protect itself, which might seem contradictory at first. If the brain is so protective wouldn’t everyone think they are the best thing since sliced bread (or Spotify Wrapped)? For some people, sure. But for others, the brain is more concerned with being right than being loved.

You see, if you view yourself negatively, it is very easy to prove that you do in fact stink. Every time someone doesn’t text you back, that’s proof. Every time you don’t get that promotion, oh look, that’s more proof. The world is going to be filled with evidence that you have been right all along: you are in fact a piece of shit. And if something happens to go your way, that’s just an anomaly until the next disappointing thing inevitably comes along setting the record straight. When you dislike yourself, the lens in which you see the world is so skewed that you don’t ever have to sit with the discomfort that maybe you’ve been wrong this whole time because all the information you are receiving is being processed as further evidence of your inadequacies. Hey, it might hurt to hate yourself, but at least you can relish being a good judge of character!

When viewed this way, it’s easy to see how it can be dangerous to like yourself because you might be made a fool. Imagine believing you are worthy of love and happiness and then not getting those things. How embarrassing! If your fear of being proved wrong outweighs the appeal of liking yourself, you aren’t going to be motivated to break the cycle.

Which, bring us to my third hypothesis. There is comfort in the familiar even if what you’re familiar with is shitting on yourself. Change of any kind is uncomfortable and learning to like yourself doesn’t happen overnight. So, realistically, you’re looking at a long transition period where you are constantly fighting your own instincts by challenging your thoughts and censoring self-deprecating remarks. And you have to do this while combating the very relatable fear that doing all of this is simply deluding yourself. You will never have undeniable proof that you deserve to be treated with self-compassion and kindness, which leaves the possibility that all you’re really doing is tricking yourself into liking someone who doesn’t deserve to be liked.

And to that I say: who cares. Who cares if you aren’t the smartest, most talented, drop-dead gorgeous person alive? Literally only one person in the entire world can claim that title and I bet they don’t even know it. We all have parts of ourselves that are less than appealing, but that doesn’t negate our strengths or our potential. Plus, people are wrong about all sorts of things all the time. It feels much less risky for you to potentially “like yourself too much” than to not believe in climate change. In the scales of justice, deciding to be nice to yourself even if you’re not perfect isn’t a crime. In fact, it is actually a revolutionary act because so much of society is held up by us putting ourselves down. Don’t we owe it to ourselves and those we care about to fight back with self-love?

Unfortunately, I can beat this drum all day long and it won’t be enough for my friend to change his self-perception. The decision to start to be nice to yourself is a deeply personal one and it requires a leap of faith that some people aren’t ready to take. Not to mention that certain trauma and environments can make this an even bigger, and at times unrealistic, ask. But understanding why it is so hard to be nice to yourself—and realizing that it likely has less to do with your character and more to do with your conditioning—might make it easier to take that first radical step.

xoxo,

Allison  

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