LEARNING TO TAKE BETTER CARE OF MYSELF

Even When I Don’t Want To

Last Thursday I found myself sitting in a new therapist’s office overcome with the thought, “I don’t want to be here.” I was exhausted by the task of having to explain my entire life story and my mother’s recent/traumatic death to a stranger. And I was annoyed that I had driven all this way in the rain to do so with a woman I didn’t immediately click with. I felt the familiar reluctance at being forced into therapy–something that was a much needed aspect of my mentally ill childhood–start to resurface until I realized: I don’t have to come back.

It was objectively funny to have this epiphany about therapy while in therapy, but it was also thrilling. I immediately felt my spirits lift and my sense of control over my own life come back. At 35 years old, I did not have to continue to see this woman who, while well-intentioned, was not what I needed right now. After being so recently burned by a different therapist (who abruptly ended our working relationship over email), attempting to find and nurture a new therapeutic alliance felt like more than I could currently ask of myself. It also felt like a performative step rather than what I actually needed to give myself as I navigate grief and a series of unfortunate circumstances.

On the surface, feeling like I should be in therapy right now makes sense. I have been in and out of a therapist’s care since I was four years old. Whenever there has been a noticeable dip in my mental health or a destabilizing life event, returning to treatment was the first line of defence. But over the years, I have learned that there are so many different ways to care for ourselves than traditional, weekly therapy. So realizing that I don’t have the buy-in* (*motivation and commitment) to start working with a new therapist right now doesn’t absolve me of doing the work to prioritize my mental health. Instead, it is a mandate to figure out other ways to give myself the support I need to make it through this hard time without fully sliding back into a depressive episode and/or disengaging with life.

There are other times in my life where attempting to do this kind of work without the support of a therapist wouldn’t have been possible. But I have been on this mental health journey long enough to have built up a good tool box. I have the awareness that while I am dealing with the biggest loss of my life, I am (thankfully) not in crisis. I also know that just because I don’t feel I need a new therapist right now doesn’t mean I might not need one in a few weeks or a few months. Part of allowing myself this break is understanding that if my mental health does get worse, I have to take more steps to support myself—regardless of any reluctance to do so.

But, for now at least, I will be focusing on other tactics to help myself through this time. These include:

ACCEPTANCE THAT GRIEF IS SUPPOSED TO HURT

While my sadness around my mother’s death contradicts society’s obsession with moving forward and instantly turning trauma into growth, it is perfectly normal that less than five months after my mom died I am still severely impacted by her absence. The idea that my mental health would have stabilized so quickly isn’t based on the reality of the human experience. I can tell that some people are surprised that I still bring up my mom’s death when they ask how I have been, but…of course I do. My life is completely different now and it will take a long time to adjust to that. I am also coming to terms with the fact that my life will never be the same. While it still has the potential to be good, it will never be as good as when she was here. That is a lot to process and a lot to grieve.

BEING GENTLE WITH MYSELF

Two months ago, I began tracking my ovulation with test strips that required me to pee in a cup every morning. It was incredibly annoying and, not to overshare, occasionally messy. While I don’t regret our decision to try to conceive right after losing my mom, I noticed that my relationship toward trying has changed in the last few weeks. I wasn’t disappointed when I got my last period. I was detached and ambivalent about the whole process. So instead of pushing myself forward despite this new attitude, I told John that I needed a month off from trying. I gave myself permission to take a break and I didn’t feel guilty about it. I’ve gotten good at noticing when there is a change in my capacity. There are times when I can push myself and times when I need to take my foot off the gas. And this last month, I needed to take one of those naps on the side of the highway for sleepy drivers.

CHALLENGING MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

One of the benefits of having a master’s in psychology and working with my own relationship coaching clients is that I absolutely know when my brain is misbehaving. And while it is fun to give into a spiral now and then, at a certain point I have to start to challenge beliefs that might be harming me. This doesn’t mean I have to take a complete CBT approach and reframe my way out of the horrors of modern society. But it does mean I can tap into my strengths, resilience and ability for gratitude like I ask my clients to do.

USE BEHAVIORAL ACTIVATION TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE

Behavioral activation is a treatment for depression that involves forcing yourself to do things even when you don’t want to because it is likely that once you actually do them you will have a better time than you anticipate. Hence me forcing myself to reach out to people and make plans. Any petty desire to wait until my friends reach out to me is not allowed to override my need for social interaction. That is a new rule in my brain and I am in charge of enforcing it.

PAMPERING MY BODY

This is my newest weapon in my arsenal and I am loving it. Rather than feeling silly about spending time and money on skincare, manicures and lash lifts, I have embraced taking care of my physical form. I’ve made sure to take my time in the shower and use a pumice stone to get rid of any dead skin on my feet. While I don’t think I can loophole my way out of grief by looking my best, taking care of my body in these ways creates opportunities for me to slow down and send a message to my brain that I matter. Because when I am fully scrubbed and moisturized, I am also cared for.

My other strategies include working out 4-5 times a week, going on walks, not consuming weed, taking Zoloft and eating enough so I am not hungry/irritable. I’ve also been finding a lot of comfort doing domestic work and feeling like my home is “in good shape.” (I love to announce to my husband that the home is “in good shape.”) I am still under the care of a psychiatrist and have recently asked if I can add Wellbutrin back to my medication roster until I get pregnant. (Awaiting her response on that one!)

Overall, my decision to not try to find a new therapist doesn’t feel like me abandoning myself or avoiding my issues. It actually feels like I am listening to myself rather than following a rulebook that might not apply to my current context. Therapy is a great resource, but, as I am learning, it is far from your only option.

xoxo,

Allison

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