All of this his so close to home with me. The first thing I notice, too, is how damn irritable I become when I'm not doing well. EVERYTHING pisses me off. Then, for me, it's a slippery slope into self harm ideation and temptation, like you point out here.
Posts like this, I think, are so important. As it helps people like me feel less alone and helps become more aware of my own triggers.
I'm lucky I was able to do DBT, so I have a booklet with skills to work through when things get tough, but it all starts here with awareness.
Wow, I really love this one and really resonate with many of your signs. I do not have any diagnosed mental health issue, but worked a (emotionally) stressful job for the past years and eventually recognized some symptoms that indicated I was about to have a breakdown in front of colleagues. It feels somehow very comforting to read someone having symptoms so similar to mine!
I really love the journaling prompt and will use it in my personal journal, I'd love to see more of those! :)
This post came at a great time for me. My mental health is getting bad and it’s at it’s peak a week before my period the past few months (hello perimenopause). It’s ranging from the feeling I want to clench my fists hard and dig my fingernails into my palms (which I haven’t had to urge to do in 15+ years) and driving for 90 minutes sobbing and ranting to myself about how all my choices are wrong.
I don’t really have coping mechanisms and have had a hard time figuring out what works. Usually a fight with my husband or a sobbing fit, or my period starting, helps but it doesn’t go away entirely. When I’m in my right mind I can see how it builds up over time and explodes.
I work full time and have two teen boys. I have a hard time not feeling guilty about taking time for coping mechanisms, the rare times I can think of one.
I resonate with this so much, Beth. The hormonal struggle is real! It amazes me that there hasn’t been more of an effort in the medical community to recognize and treat PMS and PMDD. But unfortunately that’s the case with a lot of women’s health issues.
Thank you so much for sharing this experience! I'm so curious to see how the medication impacts things. And I know the guilt that can come from taking time for yourself, but consider this another reminder that you deserve to care for yourself as much as you care for everyone else! xoxo A
Some of my warning signs are very similar to yours! I start to get very snappy and less willing to let little inconveniences go. I also get the “ick” for physical touch, where normally I am a very physical person. This starts to lead me into the spiral of “do I no longer love this person?? Is my love life falling apart??”
Then I remember that I love this person very much, so whatever’s going on is likely not about them at all. I usually realize something’s wrong when I start questioning everything in my life lol.
When that happens I say to myself “Man those intrusive thoughts are STRONG today.” It helps me recover when I identify that my brain is throwing a lot of inaccurate things at me, and it’s okay not to believe them. Sometimes a loooong nap is enough to reset, and sometimes a little weed will slow the thoughts down enough for me to overpower them.
I’m sorry that you’ve been going through a rough spot, but thank you for sharing with us so we can help identify these things for ourselves 💜
I love that you are able to recognize when your thoughts aren't serving you. It's so easy to make these big leaps about our lives when we aren't doing well, but having the patience to ride them out instead of blow everything up is a super power. Sending tons of love!
Same here, Mae! I was under some tremendous stress last month that led to a lot of anger and frustration, with much of it coming out on my husband. I kept having thoughts and dreams about getting divorced, which is not something that would ever cross my mind in a normal frame of mind. It’s scary how these moods can impact our relationships.
I’m sorry you went through a rough time last month. 💜 when I start to snap at my fiancée, I try to say “I’ll be back” and leave the room until I can get myself under control. If that means screaming into a pillow or resting in Child’s Pose for 20 minutes that’s what I’ll do. Sometimes I literally tell him “I’m really upset today, don’t know why, but it’s not about you and I don’t need you to do anything.” That helps me protect our relationship by letting him know what’s going on without making it his problem. It all takes practice and is extra hard when we’re disregulated!
This all resonates. My mental health is always a rollercoaster. It's helpful to notice the signs but most of the time I just brush them away and try to keep going, until I hit a major wall!
Mine are also always the same - low frustration tolerance is the big one. I once had an old white male doctor tell me I had BPD because my depression was so "irritable." That was his sole diagnostic. :sigh: Coupled with existential boredom - what a great phrase! - and constant anxiety spikes. The anxiety is usually centered around whatever's bugging me, and it's usually an indicator I've lost integrity somewhere, I need to set a boundary or be honest with myself. Once I parse that and resolve it the other two symptoms typically fall away. It might take me a long time (months) to fully parse something big like a ROCD trigger, but I keep myself stepped back from overidentifying with any of these symptoms since I know what's going on. I feel like I'm doing really well now.
TW Self-harm/ideation
I've also had a similar struggle but not for many years, and now if it pops up I know I forgot to take my meds.
Oh - question for you maybe for a future post? I struggle to cry. My core wounds involved never bothering my mother who was already so overburdened, so I still struggle with mild dissociation when I get really upset. I know letting myself cry and be vulnerable in that way would help but I just can't seem to do it. Any tips on getting yourself to release that way? Thanks!
Thank you so much for sharing these experiences, Jessica! It sounds like you are becoming an expert in how to care for yourself which is AMAZING! In terms of crying, I have had a bit of the opposite problem where the tears come too easily haha But one thing I would maybe recommend is watching a sad movie. It might be easier to there there about something other than your own life? Not sure if it will work but maybe worth a try? Sending tons of love!
I relate so much to all of this, Allison. Thank you for putting it into words—the anger, emotional volatility, numbness, anxiety, self-harm—it’s all painfully familiar.
I’ve been writing about my own mental health challenges on my Substack. This piece explores the landscape of a melancholic depression:
I haven’t had the courage yet to share about the scarier times. As other commenters point out, so much of this is hormonally fueled. Sometimes I manage to feel like a normal person for a few days in the middle of my cycle, and I think I am cured, but then the week before my period arrives and all hell breaks loose. 😂
I love that you're sharing your experience! I know for me it helps me process and heal. And in turns of the scarier times, you don't owe anyone any story you aren't ready to tell xoxo A
Thank you for sharing. With the exception of the self harm piece, I can identify with these signs. I turn to crunchy, salty food instead of physical self harm. It has a numbing effect and I am well aware that it is not a beneficial coping strategy.
I appreciate the openness and vulnerability with which you shared this information. I believe when we share our pain, it normalizes mental health struggles, which might just be the key for someone else to open up and get help.
i loved reading this, especially on a day where i’ve been thinking to myself, did i ignore the warning signs? but i didn’t, and i intervened a bit myself, but also have accepted that the sad, low energy day i am having is nothing to “fix” or erase at this point. i noticed my physical body fighting “against” me a few days ago, feeling super run down, anxiety starting to pick up and sleep lagging. and today i hit my max. so i’m being extra gentle and compassionate and letting myself feel - instead of fight it. the urge to fight it comes on strong though :)
ooof! I feel this! Allowing ourselves the freedom to have bad days goes against so much of what society teaches us, but sometimes we just need to gentle with ourselves until it passes. Sending so much love! A
Mine are remarkably similar - irritability, less access to joy, generalized anxiety. The touch sensitivity one is really hard to explain to my support network, because like many people I have the urge to give touch to help regulate or comfort someone I care about who is distressed, but in the wrong kind of distress I am extremely irritated by it. However instead of self harm I have passive suicidal thoughts that I've come to realize are a form escapism - "if I were dead I wouldn't have to deal with this shit". And also thoughts about whether I'm making the "wrong life decision" and need to move or quit my job or break up with my partner, even when I think through what I want out of these things and they haven't changed. Which is another form of escapism, because maybe the discomfort would go away if I table flip some part of my life. Usually though I just need to work out, laugh, and take care of my body or reduce my stressors.
I relate to all of this so much!! Gaining the willpower to "wait it out" is so powerful. Also crucial to reduce stressors instead of blowing everything up! xoxo A
I love this post! Some of mine are pretty similar including the impulse to self harm.
I relate very heavily to the “existential boredom,” what a good way to put it! The idea that I’ll ever feel uncomplicated joy is unfathomable in those moments.
But for me the first one is always the urge to isolate myself; social interaction becomes much more taxing and I have a harder time believing anyone wants to spend time with me.
Noticing the signs has been useful for catching these lows early. Again, great post and the prompt at the end is a really cool idea!
Great post. So many live with their mental health issues as a personal ‘secret.’ I am 67 and have lived w my secret my whole life. Until this year. I finally opened up to my daughter, who is my best friend, and shared with her a little bit about what my life journey has been like, with my messed up self-beliefs and thought processes. For the first time in my life, I trust someone enough to truly know me Like this. It is very difficult to not keep all of what’s in my head a secret, but I am learning to do it more and more with this one trusted person in my life. I have several years of experience working as a psychiatric nurse, with severely mentally ill folks, and yet I could still never open up to anyone about me. I love your post because you were so open and honest. How can people really know us, how could anyone ever help us, if they don’t know what we were going through deep inside of ourselves? Thanks for posting and I wish you well in every aspect of your life.
This was so beautiful to read, Kat! I am so glad to hear you've been able to share with your daughter. Sending so much love as we all start talking and sharing more xoxo A
All of this his so close to home with me. The first thing I notice, too, is how damn irritable I become when I'm not doing well. EVERYTHING pisses me off. Then, for me, it's a slippery slope into self harm ideation and temptation, like you point out here.
Posts like this, I think, are so important. As it helps people like me feel less alone and helps become more aware of my own triggers.
I'm lucky I was able to do DBT, so I have a booklet with skills to work through when things get tough, but it all starts here with awareness.
I'm so glad DBT has been helpful! Having tools is so crucial!! xoxo A
Wow, I really love this one and really resonate with many of your signs. I do not have any diagnosed mental health issue, but worked a (emotionally) stressful job for the past years and eventually recognized some symptoms that indicated I was about to have a breakdown in front of colleagues. It feels somehow very comforting to read someone having symptoms so similar to mine!
I really love the journaling prompt and will use it in my personal journal, I'd love to see more of those! :)
I'm so glad it resonated!! You definitely don't have to have a formal diagnosis to go through tough times. Sending so much love!
This post came at a great time for me. My mental health is getting bad and it’s at it’s peak a week before my period the past few months (hello perimenopause). It’s ranging from the feeling I want to clench my fists hard and dig my fingernails into my palms (which I haven’t had to urge to do in 15+ years) and driving for 90 minutes sobbing and ranting to myself about how all my choices are wrong.
I don’t really have coping mechanisms and have had a hard time figuring out what works. Usually a fight with my husband or a sobbing fit, or my period starting, helps but it doesn’t go away entirely. When I’m in my right mind I can see how it builds up over time and explodes.
I work full time and have two teen boys. I have a hard time not feeling guilty about taking time for coping mechanisms, the rare times I can think of one.
I resonate with this so much, Beth. The hormonal struggle is real! It amazes me that there hasn’t been more of an effort in the medical community to recognize and treat PMS and PMDD. But unfortunately that’s the case with a lot of women’s health issues.
I just got a PMDD diagnosis and I’m going to start on medication to see if it helps.
Thank you so much for sharing this experience! I'm so curious to see how the medication impacts things. And I know the guilt that can come from taking time for yourself, but consider this another reminder that you deserve to care for yourself as much as you care for everyone else! xoxo A
Some of my warning signs are very similar to yours! I start to get very snappy and less willing to let little inconveniences go. I also get the “ick” for physical touch, where normally I am a very physical person. This starts to lead me into the spiral of “do I no longer love this person?? Is my love life falling apart??”
Then I remember that I love this person very much, so whatever’s going on is likely not about them at all. I usually realize something’s wrong when I start questioning everything in my life lol.
When that happens I say to myself “Man those intrusive thoughts are STRONG today.” It helps me recover when I identify that my brain is throwing a lot of inaccurate things at me, and it’s okay not to believe them. Sometimes a loooong nap is enough to reset, and sometimes a little weed will slow the thoughts down enough for me to overpower them.
I’m sorry that you’ve been going through a rough spot, but thank you for sharing with us so we can help identify these things for ourselves 💜
I love that you are able to recognize when your thoughts aren't serving you. It's so easy to make these big leaps about our lives when we aren't doing well, but having the patience to ride them out instead of blow everything up is a super power. Sending tons of love!
Same here, Mae! I was under some tremendous stress last month that led to a lot of anger and frustration, with much of it coming out on my husband. I kept having thoughts and dreams about getting divorced, which is not something that would ever cross my mind in a normal frame of mind. It’s scary how these moods can impact our relationships.
I’m sorry you went through a rough time last month. 💜 when I start to snap at my fiancée, I try to say “I’ll be back” and leave the room until I can get myself under control. If that means screaming into a pillow or resting in Child’s Pose for 20 minutes that’s what I’ll do. Sometimes I literally tell him “I’m really upset today, don’t know why, but it’s not about you and I don’t need you to do anything.” That helps me protect our relationship by letting him know what’s going on without making it his problem. It all takes practice and is extra hard when we’re disregulated!
Thank you, Mae! Luckily my husband is super supportive and understanding, and he always knows I don’t mean it, even if in the moment I think I do. 😂
Supportive partners for the win!! It's so huge when people know not to take things personally! Sending love!
This all resonates. My mental health is always a rollercoaster. It's helpful to notice the signs but most of the time I just brush them away and try to keep going, until I hit a major wall!
It's the sort of thing we can get better at with time!! Even if it's annoying to do!! xoxo A
I love the prompts idea!
Mine are also always the same - low frustration tolerance is the big one. I once had an old white male doctor tell me I had BPD because my depression was so "irritable." That was his sole diagnostic. :sigh: Coupled with existential boredom - what a great phrase! - and constant anxiety spikes. The anxiety is usually centered around whatever's bugging me, and it's usually an indicator I've lost integrity somewhere, I need to set a boundary or be honest with myself. Once I parse that and resolve it the other two symptoms typically fall away. It might take me a long time (months) to fully parse something big like a ROCD trigger, but I keep myself stepped back from overidentifying with any of these symptoms since I know what's going on. I feel like I'm doing really well now.
TW Self-harm/ideation
I've also had a similar struggle but not for many years, and now if it pops up I know I forgot to take my meds.
Oh - question for you maybe for a future post? I struggle to cry. My core wounds involved never bothering my mother who was already so overburdened, so I still struggle with mild dissociation when I get really upset. I know letting myself cry and be vulnerable in that way would help but I just can't seem to do it. Any tips on getting yourself to release that way? Thanks!
Thank you so much for sharing these experiences, Jessica! It sounds like you are becoming an expert in how to care for yourself which is AMAZING! In terms of crying, I have had a bit of the opposite problem where the tears come too easily haha But one thing I would maybe recommend is watching a sad movie. It might be easier to there there about something other than your own life? Not sure if it will work but maybe worth a try? Sending tons of love!
I relate so much to all of this, Allison. Thank you for putting it into words—the anger, emotional volatility, numbness, anxiety, self-harm—it’s all painfully familiar.
I’ve been writing about my own mental health challenges on my Substack. This piece explores the landscape of a melancholic depression:
https://open.substack.com/pub/lizexplores/p/what-depression-feels-like?r=1v5c7y&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
And this piece chronicles a typical day in my life when I’m not functioning well:
https://open.substack.com/pub/lizexplores/p/what-depression-feels-like?r=1v5c7y&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
I haven’t had the courage yet to share about the scarier times. As other commenters point out, so much of this is hormonally fueled. Sometimes I manage to feel like a normal person for a few days in the middle of my cycle, and I think I am cured, but then the week before my period arrives and all hell breaks loose. 😂
Thank you for opening up the conversation.
I love that you're sharing your experience! I know for me it helps me process and heal. And in turns of the scarier times, you don't owe anyone any story you aren't ready to tell xoxo A
Thank you for sharing. With the exception of the self harm piece, I can identify with these signs. I turn to crunchy, salty food instead of physical self harm. It has a numbing effect and I am well aware that it is not a beneficial coping strategy.
I appreciate the openness and vulnerability with which you shared this information. I believe when we share our pain, it normalizes mental health struggles, which might just be the key for someone else to open up and get help.
I totally agree! The more we talk about this stuff the more we can learn from each other! xoxo A
i loved reading this, especially on a day where i’ve been thinking to myself, did i ignore the warning signs? but i didn’t, and i intervened a bit myself, but also have accepted that the sad, low energy day i am having is nothing to “fix” or erase at this point. i noticed my physical body fighting “against” me a few days ago, feeling super run down, anxiety starting to pick up and sleep lagging. and today i hit my max. so i’m being extra gentle and compassionate and letting myself feel - instead of fight it. the urge to fight it comes on strong though :)
ooof! I feel this! Allowing ourselves the freedom to have bad days goes against so much of what society teaches us, but sometimes we just need to gentle with ourselves until it passes. Sending so much love! A
Mine are remarkably similar - irritability, less access to joy, generalized anxiety. The touch sensitivity one is really hard to explain to my support network, because like many people I have the urge to give touch to help regulate or comfort someone I care about who is distressed, but in the wrong kind of distress I am extremely irritated by it. However instead of self harm I have passive suicidal thoughts that I've come to realize are a form escapism - "if I were dead I wouldn't have to deal with this shit". And also thoughts about whether I'm making the "wrong life decision" and need to move or quit my job or break up with my partner, even when I think through what I want out of these things and they haven't changed. Which is another form of escapism, because maybe the discomfort would go away if I table flip some part of my life. Usually though I just need to work out, laugh, and take care of my body or reduce my stressors.
I relate to all of this so much!! Gaining the willpower to "wait it out" is so powerful. Also crucial to reduce stressors instead of blowing everything up! xoxo A
I love this post! Some of mine are pretty similar including the impulse to self harm.
I relate very heavily to the “existential boredom,” what a good way to put it! The idea that I’ll ever feel uncomplicated joy is unfathomable in those moments.
But for me the first one is always the urge to isolate myself; social interaction becomes much more taxing and I have a harder time believing anyone wants to spend time with me.
Noticing the signs has been useful for catching these lows early. Again, great post and the prompt at the end is a really cool idea!
I'm so glad it was helpful!! And the social isolation is a big one for so many people! Thank you for sharing!! xoxo A
Great post. So many live with their mental health issues as a personal ‘secret.’ I am 67 and have lived w my secret my whole life. Until this year. I finally opened up to my daughter, who is my best friend, and shared with her a little bit about what my life journey has been like, with my messed up self-beliefs and thought processes. For the first time in my life, I trust someone enough to truly know me Like this. It is very difficult to not keep all of what’s in my head a secret, but I am learning to do it more and more with this one trusted person in my life. I have several years of experience working as a psychiatric nurse, with severely mentally ill folks, and yet I could still never open up to anyone about me. I love your post because you were so open and honest. How can people really know us, how could anyone ever help us, if they don’t know what we were going through deep inside of ourselves? Thanks for posting and I wish you well in every aspect of your life.
This was so beautiful to read, Kat! I am so glad to hear you've been able to share with your daughter. Sending so much love as we all start talking and sharing more xoxo A